Words

I closed my eyes and sat down. I just did not know what I was feeling. Neither was I sure how I should respond. First, he lied to me about something for no apparent reason and two, he dismissed my questions on why he lied... even before I ask him. If it were someone else, I would have probably to cared too little and not bothered at all. Of course, he was not just anybody. It was Raj.

The last few days had been very enjoyable. I was having a great time with him. All those silly fights and arguments over nothing were bringing us closer. At least that was what I thought. Once, when a friend remarked that when she saw us sitting together that day, we looked like a couple. Such casual comments with no meaning had become quite usual. Although they were meant to be humorous, it used to feel really good hearing this friend of mine (who knows both of us quite well) speaks of us together in this manner. What's interesting about that particular comment was that when he heard her, he did not reject the possibility and made faces suggesting disgust, instead he pulled me towards him and put his arms around me holding me close while walking. I had never felt happy around him ever before.

The happiness did not prevail for a long time though. Within a few hours, we were in the middle of another argument when I unwittingly disturbed one of this experiments. This made him really angry. The hostility and anger I saw in his eyes brought me back to the earth and made me realize that I can never take the special place in his heart.
The cause of my joy was nothing but a farce.

One day later, there he was trying to be normal and jovial with me but the unable to do so. His words telling me to know my limits reverberating in my mind every time I see the anger in his eyes that he is trying to suppress. Are these not enough to push me into the same old spot where I find myself stifled by the frustrations and claustrophobia. This time though I resisted. I was not ready to go there. I wanted to let time take its course and heal the gap between us.

The hope was fast withering away and it was then that he came up with this lie, probably to ease some situation and calm me down or to prevent me from suspecting a friend of his (did I mention that I don't like many Michael likes... well the same is true in Raj's case as well!) of being responsible for the situation. Whatever the reason it was flimsy and the lie was unnecessary. When I found out that what he told me was a lie, I could handle it. It was no big deal, just a little annoyance. However, when I told him that what I learned, he dismissed the conversation instantly. It was very clear that he gave no importance to what I said and what I was going to say.

I was hurt. And that was all that was required to drain my hope and bring down all my defenses against the frustrations. From his perspective, I am probably an annoying friend who has problems with every silly things. But from my view point,it is far more complicated. I did not know whether I should pretend as if I was the guy he sees and act normal or to let go of feelings. I decided to do the former and ended up doing the latter.

Unfortunately, this I know is certainly not the last episode in this story.

The Straight Knot

I was not sure what to say. I could not refuse but I was not interested in taking up the offer either. In fact, I was never offered. Raj was about to sit when he saw me, stopped and asked if I would like to sit first. I was still looking at the pillion seat of a colleague's bike. He was a mutual friend and was ready to drop Raj and me near the lab where I have a measurement to be done. When he saw Raj and me walking out of our campus, he said we could come along. Raj never hesitates at such times, whether it is a stranger or a close friend, he would hop on almost immediately. But, I do. I do not generally like going with anyone who is not a good friend of mine. Of course, I have my own reasons.

I did not say anything. With all the doubts still hovering around in my mind, I stepped forward. I knew I had no other options. The sooner we go the better. Refusing to come would annoy Raj very badly and I cannot risk that. Not only because I need his help that day but also because it hurts to see that he is angry with me for my silliness. It can fuel frustrations so badly that the effect can be pretty bad and last for a long time.

However, I did have the choice of where to sit – whether to sit before Raj and behind the other guy or to sit behind Raj. I asked Raj to go ahead and sit first. Only then it occurred to me that after a similar situation a few months back I told myself to not allow him to sit before me. If the reason for this is not obvious yet, read on...

The regret has not yet established in my mind when the next issue cropped itself up. There was very little space for 3 guys on that bike. That meant a very uncomfortable ride. More so for me because for the past two days I found Raj irresistibly attractive. He was being very nice and I was completely smitten by his charm. Especially on that day, it was hard to keep my hands away from him. I had to satisfy myself with the glances I could steal of his hairy, masculine, sturdy and sweet forearms, deliciously soft and wondorously moist lips.

Within a few seconds, we were on the road. Raj sandwiched between me and our colleague. I accused myself for letting a good opportunity to pass. Previously, when we were on the road going somewhere on foot, another guy offered us a lift and Raj sat before me behind the driver. The bike had a broad rear and it could accommodate three of us quite well. While I was finding it tough to keep my mind clear of any thoughts that could excite me, I was constantly wondering how it would have been had Raj been sitting behind me. Feeling his crotch on my body has been a part of my fantasies for as long as I saw him for the first time. I told myself that day that whenever I get a chance like that I would let Raj sit behind me. However, I let go of a wonderful chance to feel him for the first time.

Every time we slowed down, I found myself slide closer to him. I couldn't help but feel conscious about the proximity. My inner thighs pressed against his back side.... felt amazingly hypererotic. Sadly, I was not able to relish it. It was particularly hard to control my excitement when I realized how small I thought he looked from behind yet how big he was. I had to stretch my legs too wide. Even worse was it when I pictured him sitting behind me trying to get comfortable by pushing his body closer and closer. What helped me in keeping my member under check though was the fear of him finding out.

He had no problem whatsoever with anything. Of course, he had nothing to worry about. He was straight. But, that's was not the case for me. The mere thought of him feeling my hard on serves well to relax all the muscles below my hip and numb my senses temporarily. The conflict between the lustful attraction for my friend and the fear of losing his friendship can be quite disturbing.

Whevever I slid too close to him and felt his backside on my crotch I recoiled in a few seconds to not let him feel anything strange. I wonder whether he felt anything at all. Would a straight guy even bother to think whether about it? Was he aware of my discomfort? I do not know.

Fortunately, the sweet torture was over in about 5 minutes. We got down and I was still semi hard. Thanks to my T-shirt that covered my front, I did not have to do much to cover my erection. While walking towards our lab, I told him that I was not comfortable. However, I did not say why. He only said that it was nothing and there were times when he had gone with 4 other guys on a bike like this. Having gone through this a couple of times, only a really straight guy keep his dick from popping a boner when it is pressed against the smooth butts of some other guy in the front and soft balls of another man probing his rear.

All this takes me to the same question again... Why should he be straight? Why I fall for my straight friends? Why does he look so attractive to me? Why do I want his embrace for life? Why do I want to own his sweet smile? Why do I want to have him?

There are no answers to these questions. There can be none for between the two of us, there is no place for anything more than friendship outside the world of my fantasies. This is a fact I have begun to accept. I have no problems with it.

What is terrifying though is the possibility of losing his friendship when he find out how I see him. For him, I am just a friend. Someone he would spend a couple of hours with, may be share his joy and concerns about things in life. Someone he would count on to get some useful opinions and words of advice when it mattered. Other than that, he would probably find it unimaginable to think of me getting closer physically. More likely is that he would find it unacceptable. Just the way I feel about my other friends, girls in particular. I wouldn't even imagine such a thing with any of them.

If he were to find that whenever I look at him speak, the half of my conscious mind is hoping to taste his soft lips, every time I see his neck with tiny hairs that form his sexy stubble, I want to bite it and run my tongue over it all, when I say he has nice arms, I really mean I want to kiss them and lick them for the rest of my life, when I see him from behind as he bends down, I wish to hug him with passion and lust just the way his back is pressed against my chest, whenever I see him alone, I want to wrestle him, unleash his masculinity, face his manly aggression, fight his desire to win and all the while exploring every bit of his physical strength and every inch of his body, and when I see him face to face, I find it too hard to resist my temptations to grab him to me and hold him against me and keep him with me for ever... If he were to find out...

I cannot think of what he would do, what would happen to my friendship with him. Would he even look at me? Would he forgive me? for finding him attractive... for keeping him in the dark for so long and for finding lustful pleasure in every of my casual touch?

It is not possible for me to see my friendship with him crumble. Neither can I stifle myself by forcing the pangs of lust out of my mind.

Should I let time take care of every thing? Should I try to forget him and find someone else? Or, should I try a bit of both?

When lust meets friendship, what results is turbulence. It seems that the knot only gets more and more complex as time goes by. Let us see how things turn out...

The Helical Charm

It is quite rare that I spend sunday mornings away from my bed. Yesterday was not one of those usual days. I was sitting in a class room full of strangers trying to recollect points from my lecture notes that are at least 4 years old. It was a national exam that 1000s of students in India write twice every year. Many including me, have habituated to this exam so well that it has become almost a ritual. Whats different about this time was the place. Good thing about taking this exam in a new city was that you need not worry about the possibility of running into familiar faces, especially those that would rather not. This city is better still because of the sheer number of handsome students that study here.
Not everything can be perfect, can it be? I was not alone. With a female colleague, who also happens to be a friend who thinks you are straight, with you, you can't really enjoy the scenary. :-( Adding fuel to the fire was this frustrating question- why Raj was not there? Why his centre was not the same as mine? Why can I not have a few moments with him? And, on top of all that was the characteristic frustrations about the wastefulness of writing an exam without any preparation.
However, all those nagging thoughts disappeared the instant I saw him. His charm was so overwhelming that I had to invent a reason to tell my friend why I was looking at a stranger, if she had noticed it. The excuse I could think of was the double helix on his black jacket. DNA had never looked so beautiful.
He was certainly not one of those models you would find in a TV ad. He was just i good looking young man who looked amazingly delicious to eyes. It was difficult keeping my eyes off him. His physique was similar to Raj's and a fantasy of the two making out is undoubtedly tempting.

Sadly, the fantasies are fantasies. Unreal. And one has to accept that certain things are unattainable. Here comes the obvious questions!
Why should Raj be straight? Why do I always end up liking a straight friend?
Will I ever find MY helical charm?

The Circle of Lust

New city, new languages, new places, new job, new faces, but the same old problem.

In the past few months, my journey has taken me along a couple of diversions. After my masters, I took up a job for a few months and moved to the out-skirts of the city. Before I could fall into the usual routine, I got an opportunity in Pune. It did not take me much time to decide to attend the interview. Although I was sure I would get it, I was not sure whether I am taking the right step forward.

I reached Pune one day before the interview and stayed in a hotel. With nothing much to do, I slept almost the whole day trying to get rid of the tiredness you almost always get inflicted with when you travel in Indian Railways. The next day, I reached the institute where I was supposed to attend the interview almost on time. I found myself among about 20 young men and one girl waiting to be interviewed for this position. There were two vaccancies. On one hand, I was getting nervous and on the other, I was curious to check who among the crowd was more handsome. It was not an easy task, at least not for me.

The first round got over and I was among the 5 short-listed. I was more confident by then and began paying closer attention to the other 4 men there. At one point, I was sitting between 2 guys whom I thought had a good chance of getting the job. To my left was this guy who looked good, but was too anxious. For some reason I had a strong negative vibes from him. Now that I think about it, it could have got its origin in my desire for the guy to my right. He was more handsome and was visibly cool. I spoke to him much less but desired more. I was able to feel my heart pace when he came and sat next to me to inquire about my interview experience and about the panel. I tried my best not to show this excitement to him. The fact that I was not certain about the result made it a lot easier.

The same day I started from Pune and reached home the next day. It was after more than a month that I had to go back to Pune and join. One of my friends here, who informed me about my selection told me that it was a girl who was selected along with me in the interview. It was both disappointing and surprising, for there was no girl among the candidates short-listed for the second round of interview. I thought sitting next to that guy was the closest I could get to him.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), it turned out to be wrong. I went late to the office where I had to submit my documents before joining. I had to go there with a girl, who was also there to join. Talking to her on the way, I realized that she was selected for another position in the same department that I am joining. That clarification took the shape of hope, but I was careful not to let it grow too strong. At the office, I saw him sitting with his documents and filling up forms.

May be I should call him by a name as I would be referring to him a lot of times in this post itself, and hopefully in the future posts also. Let's call him Raj.

It was on that day that I began the next lap on the circular course called life.