The Straight Knot

I was not sure what to say. I could not refuse but I was not interested in taking up the offer either. In fact, I was never offered. Raj was about to sit when he saw me, stopped and asked if I would like to sit first. I was still looking at the pillion seat of a colleague's bike. He was a mutual friend and was ready to drop Raj and me near the lab where I have a measurement to be done. When he saw Raj and me walking out of our campus, he said we could come along. Raj never hesitates at such times, whether it is a stranger or a close friend, he would hop on almost immediately. But, I do. I do not generally like going with anyone who is not a good friend of mine. Of course, I have my own reasons.

I did not say anything. With all the doubts still hovering around in my mind, I stepped forward. I knew I had no other options. The sooner we go the better. Refusing to come would annoy Raj very badly and I cannot risk that. Not only because I need his help that day but also because it hurts to see that he is angry with me for my silliness. It can fuel frustrations so badly that the effect can be pretty bad and last for a long time.

However, I did have the choice of where to sit – whether to sit before Raj and behind the other guy or to sit behind Raj. I asked Raj to go ahead and sit first. Only then it occurred to me that after a similar situation a few months back I told myself to not allow him to sit before me. If the reason for this is not obvious yet, read on...

The regret has not yet established in my mind when the next issue cropped itself up. There was very little space for 3 guys on that bike. That meant a very uncomfortable ride. More so for me because for the past two days I found Raj irresistibly attractive. He was being very nice and I was completely smitten by his charm. Especially on that day, it was hard to keep my hands away from him. I had to satisfy myself with the glances I could steal of his hairy, masculine, sturdy and sweet forearms, deliciously soft and wondorously moist lips.

Within a few seconds, we were on the road. Raj sandwiched between me and our colleague. I accused myself for letting a good opportunity to pass. Previously, when we were on the road going somewhere on foot, another guy offered us a lift and Raj sat before me behind the driver. The bike had a broad rear and it could accommodate three of us quite well. While I was finding it tough to keep my mind clear of any thoughts that could excite me, I was constantly wondering how it would have been had Raj been sitting behind me. Feeling his crotch on my body has been a part of my fantasies for as long as I saw him for the first time. I told myself that day that whenever I get a chance like that I would let Raj sit behind me. However, I let go of a wonderful chance to feel him for the first time.

Every time we slowed down, I found myself slide closer to him. I couldn't help but feel conscious about the proximity. My inner thighs pressed against his back side.... felt amazingly hypererotic. Sadly, I was not able to relish it. It was particularly hard to control my excitement when I realized how small I thought he looked from behind yet how big he was. I had to stretch my legs too wide. Even worse was it when I pictured him sitting behind me trying to get comfortable by pushing his body closer and closer. What helped me in keeping my member under check though was the fear of him finding out.

He had no problem whatsoever with anything. Of course, he had nothing to worry about. He was straight. But, that's was not the case for me. The mere thought of him feeling my hard on serves well to relax all the muscles below my hip and numb my senses temporarily. The conflict between the lustful attraction for my friend and the fear of losing his friendship can be quite disturbing.

Whevever I slid too close to him and felt his backside on my crotch I recoiled in a few seconds to not let him feel anything strange. I wonder whether he felt anything at all. Would a straight guy even bother to think whether about it? Was he aware of my discomfort? I do not know.

Fortunately, the sweet torture was over in about 5 minutes. We got down and I was still semi hard. Thanks to my T-shirt that covered my front, I did not have to do much to cover my erection. While walking towards our lab, I told him that I was not comfortable. However, I did not say why. He only said that it was nothing and there were times when he had gone with 4 other guys on a bike like this. Having gone through this a couple of times, only a really straight guy keep his dick from popping a boner when it is pressed against the smooth butts of some other guy in the front and soft balls of another man probing his rear.

All this takes me to the same question again... Why should he be straight? Why I fall for my straight friends? Why does he look so attractive to me? Why do I want his embrace for life? Why do I want to own his sweet smile? Why do I want to have him?

There are no answers to these questions. There can be none for between the two of us, there is no place for anything more than friendship outside the world of my fantasies. This is a fact I have begun to accept. I have no problems with it.

What is terrifying though is the possibility of losing his friendship when he find out how I see him. For him, I am just a friend. Someone he would spend a couple of hours with, may be share his joy and concerns about things in life. Someone he would count on to get some useful opinions and words of advice when it mattered. Other than that, he would probably find it unimaginable to think of me getting closer physically. More likely is that he would find it unacceptable. Just the way I feel about my other friends, girls in particular. I wouldn't even imagine such a thing with any of them.

If he were to find that whenever I look at him speak, the half of my conscious mind is hoping to taste his soft lips, every time I see his neck with tiny hairs that form his sexy stubble, I want to bite it and run my tongue over it all, when I say he has nice arms, I really mean I want to kiss them and lick them for the rest of my life, when I see him from behind as he bends down, I wish to hug him with passion and lust just the way his back is pressed against my chest, whenever I see him alone, I want to wrestle him, unleash his masculinity, face his manly aggression, fight his desire to win and all the while exploring every bit of his physical strength and every inch of his body, and when I see him face to face, I find it too hard to resist my temptations to grab him to me and hold him against me and keep him with me for ever... If he were to find out...

I cannot think of what he would do, what would happen to my friendship with him. Would he even look at me? Would he forgive me? for finding him attractive... for keeping him in the dark for so long and for finding lustful pleasure in every of my casual touch?

It is not possible for me to see my friendship with him crumble. Neither can I stifle myself by forcing the pangs of lust out of my mind.

Should I let time take care of every thing? Should I try to forget him and find someone else? Or, should I try a bit of both?

When lust meets friendship, what results is turbulence. It seems that the knot only gets more and more complex as time goes by. Let us see how things turn out...

Before Strangeness Took Over...

Craig is probably the only one in the (real) world who knows me so well.

Thanks to the countless hours of conversations during those leisure walks along the avenues of the campus, he knows what my stand is on every issue in the world. He has also been the witness to the evolution of my thoughts in some of these issues. What was so stunning was my preparedness to open out to him.

Keeping all thoughts to myself for so many years and suffering from the resulting claustrophobia, I felt greatly relieved to have someone listen to me so sincerely. It was also reassuring to know that he respects my views even if it almost always contradicts his!

From premarital sex to energy conservation he knows what I think about everything. Although his opinions cannot be anything but conservative, he does not mind hearing the exact opposite from me. Even better he would try to see I make sense to him. However, in most cases, he would stick to his stand. I exercised this fast-becoming habit of sharing my thoughts about virtually everything under the sun, diligently with the excuse that it will help me assess myself better and give me a chance to look at the issue from a different perspective.

Until recently, there was just one topic that remained away from our conversation. It was perhaps the most sensitive and the most significant in my personal life. It was homosexuality.

There were two reasons for my reluctance.
One... He has his thoughts so strongly rooted in what people call 'culture' and 'tradition'.

Two... I was very unsure as to whether I can handle a topic as sensitive as homosexuality. I did encounter a situation where I messed up so badly that I was not ready to do it again.

My tendency to avoid confrontations that make me uncomfortable was so strong that I effectively kept the skeletons of my sexuality well-hidden in the closet ensuring that our conversations never get anywhere close to alternate sexuality. This had been the case until that last week. It was then that I was forced to face him with the issue. A weird event shattered the barriers I had set for keeping myself well-protected in the safe zone.

Another Human in My Space

Almost 2 years ago, Craig called me on my mobile and introduced himself as a friend of Michael. His rustic, yet humble voice was actually sweet and I was eager to see this guy in person. For some unknown (and unexplainable) reason, I restrained myself from taking him into my world of fantasies.

He wanted me to help him figure out whether to join my department or another in the institute where I study. With Michael away and inaccessible due to some reasons, he got in touch with me during the admission process. While I tried my best to give him the honest picture, I hoped he would choose my department. Just as I wished, he joined my department and I became his senior. However, this happened a few months after our first telephone conversation. Meanwhile, he started attending classes at the other department where he got himself admitted. During this period, I got to know that Craig was not really a friend of Michael. They had known each other only through a 'friend of a friend' and they had not seen or talked to each other before.

It was also during this period that I got an opportunity to see him in person. He had come to my campus to meet a professor. Michael and I were together when he arrived and we went to meet him. For me, it was a surprise seeing a short and slightly built guy. I expected the guy with such a soft and melodious voice to be a bit lean and slightly taller (more like Michael). Seeing Michael and me walking towards him, his eyes clearly betrayed that he mistook Michael to be me. Later, I found out that he had expected a formally dressed, lean and tall guy. A description that Michael fits into very well and I am just the opposite.

After the first meeting we did not get a chance to talk to each other for some time. That was until he decided to quit his classes in that department and join mine. I must admit, I was happy for his decision. I wanted him to be around. Although he has all that would make him attractive, I did not find him "interesting". Neither did I try too hard to understand the obvious contradiction.

In spite of studying in the same campus, our schedules made sure that I got very few opportunities to spend time with him. I was not complaining either. However, the moments we did spend together during his first year laid foundation for a stronger bond.

A year later, we found ourselves free most of the time. This coupled to his straining relationships with some of his other friends made it easy for us to frequently go for short walks across the campus. The discussions during these leisure walks centered around science. Within a short while, the topics of the conversations began drifting away from science and into people and life.

At the beginning, I found myself listening more and talking less. It took me a couple of months to share my opinions on various issues without any hesitation. The moments I spent talking to him grew longer and longer. Strength of the bond holding us together grew stronger proportionally. By this time, I could very easily identify him as a good friend. For anybody to reach this space in my personal hierarchy was quite tough.

Then, it became clear to me why I did not find him "hot"... I had been spontaneously guarding the brotherly love and friendship I share with him and protecting it from lust.

Craig is probably the only one in the (real) world who knows me so well.

From 'Hi' to 'Good night'...

Expectations--> Disappointment--> Frustration--> Anger

Thanks to Michael, I have learned this lesson a hundred times over.

Talking to him in the presence of a mutual friend is something I don't generally enjoy much. But hey... something is better than nothing. So, there I was unwilling to leave the campus and miss an opportunity (however bad that was!) to just talk to him. Throughout the conversation, I could sense a kind of unease in him. Mysteriously, thats one thing I enjoy watching. The vulnerability in his brown eyes was so vivid. It was as if he was trying too hard to hold up the falling fortress within which he had been protecting himself.

It was getting darker. The short chat had to come to an end. He said he will be coming to the college the day after. I wanted to be there. Especially because, I believed that would give the kind of privacy I could never get on any other day. Most of the 'mutual friends' will be absent from the scene! (Fortunately, I found that my belief/assumption was baseless. Why is that fortunate? Read on...)

I must admit. I was excited about this meeting. (Now that I think about it, it seems so silly!) I was thinking of reasons why I should talk to him that day. This search for topics-of-discussion ended abruptly when I received a text message from him saying that he is leaving the campus. That was when I was about 30 minutes away from where he was. I could not possibly stop him. I was upset. It was just that it took me some time to realize how much this had actually affected me. On reaching the college, I began feeling it.

Walking to the library, I saw the place where we were chatting the other day. (did I hear my expectations fall to the ground?... hey ... it had already shattered to pieces! that must be something else!!!)

For him, being with me was not as important as being with him was for me. That was pretty clear. He did not even care to wait for a few more minutes to say a "hi". It simply did not matter to him. With such thoughts hovering around in my mind, I could hardly understand why fibers of coiled-coils are so special! Eventually, my anger was redirected at Woolfson for his poor attempt at explaining whatever it was he tried explaining in his chapter/book. Unable to bear it anymore, I had to get out of the library. Finding the canteen closed, I had to spend the evening with an empty stomach without even a tea!

Unfortunately, hunger helps little in such situations. It certainly was efficient in helping fan my temper. If hunger was a catalyst, the cool breeze blowing over my face was an effective inhibitor. Also, a crowd-free campus coupled with the sweet noise of tree branches rassling with the wind can be pretty soothing at times. I decided to try just that. However, the process proved to be more resilient and it was well beyond any control. I had completely lost control over my tempers.

I was angry.

Coming home in the evening provided a little relief. That was until my mobile service provider decided to give me more reasons to worry. Being prone to irritations was a perfect impediment to a sound sleep. It didn't occur to me then... that decisions taken at such a moment often lead to more trouble. And, I ended up messaging him informing that he needed to get certain papers ready by Monday. Soon, came an "OK" for a reply.

Again, he chose to shatter my expectations (- striking a conversation before sleeping). Whats worse... he was apparently too busy to even say "Good night"!

Although, the anger was primarily directed at him. I understand that it was mainly due to my frustrations. Frustrations stemming from my conviction that I am unable to root out his thoughts from that part of my personal sphere, which I should have reserved only for that 'special someone'.

Goodbye!

After 17 days of the birth of new year, it is probably a bit too late to bid good bye to 2008. As they say... better late than never. :-)

"It was just another year... nothing special" I said, in response to a friend's question on how the year was on its last day. It did not take me too long to realize that this assessment was incorrect. However, I chose not to let him know what went through in my mind as he continued to say why the year was important for him.

Looking back and analyzing more carefully this time, I find many reasons why my earlier statement was wrong. Things changed quite drastically last year. The most significant lesson I learned in 2008 was that human beings are complicated!

Forming new friendships, breaking a few and strengthening some, 2008 made me understand the interdependence that is at the core of our existence in this society. I had spent most of my free time in introspection. Now, I can very clearly say that I know very little about myself.

New Year?

The year 2006 has come to an end. Have you ever realized how fast time moves on. I sometimes do. Especially when I'm caught up with lots of work, when there are deadlines to meet, or when a careless laid back attitute is not expectected.

This year had changed me to a large extent. As far as my closet life is concerned, its yet to see light of the day. I did meet a guy I would love to call my partner. But couldn't take my frendship with him any further. Don't know why..... I find him irresistably attractive although my view of a perfect guy is slightly different from the way he is.

Hope this new year will get me closer to him.