Monogamy and Me...

Talking about sexuality and 'being gay' without any inhibitions to someone face-to-face is one activity that I am eagerly waiting to do for many years now. I am yet to indulge in such a conversation away from the virtual world. And, I have not experienced the pleasure of spending hours and hours talking about nothing with that special someone under a tree or while walking along the beach refusing to accept that anything other than the two of us exists in this world, and it continues to remain an unfulfilled dream.

However, my tendency to talk to myself (not literally!) had helped me identify how I would want my life to be... especially the part concerning love. If I find a guy with whom I decide to share the rest of my life with, driven by mutual admiration and love..., how much space will I give him? and how flexible will I allow the relationship to be? These are questions I had no problems answering until a few months back.

Now, I am beginning to rethink as I understand more about myself. I used to believe firmly that I was not possessive. I knew for sure that I was tolerant. What I didn't realize then was the fact that this assessment required a more profound analysis.

I now understand that I may find the idea of 'open relationship' very difficult to adjust with. It may become difficult for me to imagine that the guy I love is getting close with another person. It may even drive me crazy. Contrary to my earlier beliefs, may be... I am just like any other guy!!! A guy who cannot stand his partner finding intimacy with another person... who finds it impossible to imagine his partner finding physical/sexual/emotional joy with someone else... who wants his partner all for himself...

I do not advocate for or against monogamy in a relationship and neither am I going to make my choice. I am only interested in the process. The process of uncovering where I really stand on issues that concern me the most. The issues I'm dealing with and the ones I imagine I may face in the future.

Like in many other cases, Michael had a role to play in this... (without his knowledge!) I had described how he had been the cause of my frustrations with myself for the past few months. Well, it was not fair to blame just him. There is one other person who deserves it. (How reluctant I am to put this person together with him even here!!!)

This other person (lets call her Saina...) is another student in my class. I am going to try and reduce the space I give in this blog describing events around her. She is a close friend of Michael. It seems to me that he cannot stop himself from telling her everything. When I look at the way they keep 'fighting' when they are together makes me wonder whether there is more to their friendship than whats apparent. Although I found such activities annoying, such thoughts never bothered me until a few months back. Thats when I began considering him to be suitable for being in the closest of my hierarchical spheres... reserved only for my best friends. The space, which I guard the most. It was the time I encouraged myself to see beyond the veil and shed my ideas of what makes a man attractive (may be just to accommodate him!). Things became more confusing as I never managed to find him trustworthy of becoming anything more than a 'friend'. And, lust soon overtook the proceedings complicating things further. And, the result.... Frustrations... Anger!!

What is Saina's role? She was fanning the frustration in me. All she had to do was smile. I found that so fake that I even contemplated telling her to stop it. You can only imagine how it would be when I see her 'flirting' with him. More so, when I see that he was looking for just that! You think I am jealous? Well, I certainly think so!

This is where I am. It is true that I have a crush on him and I find him attractive. But, he is not trustworthy... I do not know him much... He is very clearly straight... and I know for sure that I will never get any closer with him... YET..... I cannot stand to see him spending more time with another person.

Should I eliminate all doubts and get convinced that it will be impossible for me to see 'my guy' getting closer to someone else? Or, should I consider the role of unreasonable hope I harboured within myself and the uncertainty visibly surrounding it to be more significant? If I were to choose the latter, I guess I need to wait for a situation where the place of Michael will be taken up by that someone whom I trust entirely!

Quite naturally, I choose to wait...

No Face Value

Imaginary characters have made a successful comeback in my fantasies. With nobody to replace that which Michael has occupied for the past few months, it is only natural that I needed faceless imaginary strangers... for the obvious purpose.

"Why don't you say, you love me?"

I was in the bus. This time not alone. Next to me was the guy of my dreams....

When I first saw him from the balcony of an unknown building, I was stunned by his beauty. After about 2 hours, I found myself chatting with him. When it was time to leave, we shook hands. I could feel very well, that it was more firm and affectionate than the more formal one at the beginning of our conversation that day.

This day was different. It was almost a year since our first meeting. He is no longer a good-looking stranger. He is a friend. I know more about him now. I know that he likes carnatic music, he likes pastries.... Perhaps, thats all I know about him. I have so many questions to ask him.... but don't have the courage to ask. Thats because it is our friendship that is at stake.

Friendship...... Thats how we call it. If what he said is to be believed, he finds some sort of intimacy with me that he doesn't feel with any boy in his class. Of course that was flattering, but did those words come from his heart? was he honest? While one part of my brain was busy condemning myself for suspecting him, the other part was trying to understand what goes on behind those unfathomable eyes...

There were many others in the bus. But, I could see just him.
The bus was not crowded enough. There was some distance between our bodies. That didn't bother me. It was the fact that I was spending time with him that mattered. I just wanted to talk. Just talk.... so that I can take all of his attention probably because I thought couldn't bear to see him getting distracted by any female passenger.

He got a seat. He offered me to share the little space with him. Accepting the offer would have meant feeling him completely. I denied. I didn't feel like it. Now, when I try to identify the reason for that denial, I realize that it was my fear. I was afraid that I will get to know his disinterest in me. I was not ready to face the heterosexual in him face to face.
A few minutes later, I decided to move away from him and sit at the back. There was space for just one. I couldn't bear to see him from a distance. Suddenly, those few feet seemed like a few miles. I asked him to come and sit with me. He didn't say no. Did he hesitate? If he did, it was only for a second or even less... When I tried to give him enough space, someone got up and we were able to sit more comfortably next to each other. It was the first time that I'm so close to him. Except for a few inches of air, nothing was there between us, our bodies. He had his left hand towards my back with his fingers touching my left shoulder, as if to indicate that I needed to get myself closer to him. Such thoughts continued to flow with full vigor in my mind while I heard myself speak some nonsense. hmmm..... It was not all nonsense. though that 'nonsense talk', I tried to make him feel special, not explicitly though. If he had tried to read between the lines, it would have been evident. I doubt he did that.

I saw him smile. I saw him smile more. and more...... Behind those smiles, behind those unfathomable eyes...... there was something in his mind that I could not reach out to. I realized that I was handicapped by the inability to read his mind. Sometimes, it was annoying. However, it made him more mysterious and more sexy.
It was impossible for me not to guess, what he had in his mind while those enchanting eyes were gazing my face with utmost sincerity. My guesses were too many. There was one that refused to disappear. So much so that I began identifying the sight of him with it. Its highly likely for that to be true. Imagination knows no logic.

When I saw him sitting so close to me, his face so close to me, I could hear the words, "Why don't you say you love me? ? ?"

New Year?

The year 2006 has come to an end. Have you ever realized how fast time moves on. I sometimes do. Especially when I'm caught up with lots of work, when there are deadlines to meet, or when a careless laid back attitute is not expectected.

This year had changed me to a large extent. As far as my closet life is concerned, its yet to see light of the day. I did meet a guy I would love to call my partner. But couldn't take my frendship with him any further. Don't know why..... I find him irresistably attractive although my view of a perfect guy is slightly different from the way he is.

Hope this new year will get me closer to him.