It is quite rare that I spend sunday mornings away from my bed. Yesterday was not one of those usual days. I was sitting in a class room full of strangers trying to recollect points from my lecture notes that are at least 4 years old. It was a national exam that 1000s of students in India write twice every year. Many including me, have habituated to this exam so well that it has become almost a ritual. Whats different about this time was the place. Good thing about taking this exam in a new city was that you need not worry about the possibility of running into familiar faces, especially those that would rather not. This city is better still because of the sheer number of handsome students that study here.
Not everything can be perfect, can it be? I was not alone. With a female colleague, who also happens to be a friend who thinks you are straight, with you, you can't really enjoy the scenary. :-( Adding fuel to the fire was this frustrating question- why Raj was not there? Why his centre was not the same as mine? Why can I not have a few moments with him? And, on top of all that was the characteristic frustrations about the wastefulness of writing an exam without any preparation.
However, all those nagging thoughts disappeared the instant I saw him. His charm was so overwhelming that I had to invent a reason to tell my friend why I was looking at a stranger, if she had noticed it. The excuse I could think of was the double helix on his black jacket. DNA had never looked so beautiful.
He was certainly not one of those models you would find in a TV ad. He was just i good looking young man who looked amazingly delicious to eyes. It was difficult keeping my eyes off him. His physique was similar to Raj's and a fantasy of the two making out is undoubtedly tempting.
Sadly, the fantasies are fantasies. Unreal. And one has to accept that certain things are unattainable. Here comes the obvious questions!
Why should Raj be straight? Why do I always end up liking a straight friend?
Will I ever find MY helical charm?
New city, new languages, new places, new job, new faces, but the same old problem.
In the past few months, my journey has taken me along a couple of diversions. After my masters, I took up a job for a few months and moved to the out-skirts of the city. Before I could fall into the usual routine, I got an opportunity in Pune. It did not take me much time to decide to attend the interview. Although I was sure I would get it, I was not sure whether I am taking the right step forward.
I reached Pune one day before the interview and stayed in a hotel. With nothing much to do, I slept almost the whole day trying to get rid of the tiredness you almost always get inflicted with when you travel in Indian Railways. The next day, I reached the institute where I was supposed to attend the interview almost on time. I found myself among about 20 young men and one girl waiting to be interviewed for this position. There were two vaccancies. On one hand, I was getting nervous and on the other, I was curious to check who among the crowd was more handsome. It was not an easy task, at least not for me.
The first round got over and I was among the 5 short-listed. I was more confident by then and began paying closer attention to the other 4 men there. At one point, I was sitting between 2 guys whom I thought had a good chance of getting the job. To my left was this guy who looked good, but was too anxious. For some reason I had a strong negative vibes from him. Now that I think about it, it could have got its origin in my desire for the guy to my right. He was more handsome and was visibly cool. I spoke to him much less but desired more. I was able to feel my heart pace when he came and sat next to me to inquire about my interview experience and about the panel. I tried my best not to show this excitement to him. The fact that I was not certain about the result made it a lot easier.
The same day I started from Pune and reached home the next day. It was after more than a month that I had to go back to Pune and join. One of my friends here, who informed me about my selection told me that it was a girl who was selected along with me in the interview. It was both disappointing and surprising, for there was no girl among the candidates short-listed for the second round of interview. I thought sitting next to that guy was the closest I could get to him.
Fortunately (or unfortunately), it turned out to be wrong. I went late to the office where I had to submit my documents before joining. I had to go there with a girl, who was also there to join. Talking to her on the way, I realized that she was selected for another position in the same department that I am joining. That clarification took the shape of hope, but I was careful not to let it grow too strong. At the office, I saw him sitting with his documents and filling up forms.
May be I should call him by a name as I would be referring to him a lot of times in this post itself, and hopefully in the future posts also. Let's call him Raj.
It was on that day that I began the next lap on the circular course called life.
Craig is probably the only one in the (real) world who knows me so well.
Thanks to the countless hours of conversations during those leisure walks along the avenues of the campus, he knows what my stand is on every issue in the world. He has also been the witness to the evolution of my thoughts in some of these issues. What was so stunning was my preparedness to open out to him.
Keeping all thoughts to myself for so many years and suffering from the resulting claustrophobia, I felt greatly relieved to have someone listen to me so sincerely. It was also reassuring to know that he respects my views even if it almost always contradicts his!
From premarital sex to energy conservation he knows what I think about everything. Although his opinions cannot be anything but conservative, he does not mind hearing the exact opposite from me. Even better he would try to see I make sense to him. However, in most cases, he would stick to his stand. I exercised this fast-becoming habit of sharing my thoughts about virtually everything under the sun, diligently with the excuse that it will help me assess myself better and give me a chance to look at the issue from a different perspective.
Until recently, there was just one topic that remained away from our conversation. It was perhaps the most sensitive and the most significant in my personal life. It was homosexuality.
There were two reasons for my reluctance.
One... He has his thoughts so strongly rooted in what people call 'culture' and 'tradition'.
Two... I was very unsure as to whether I can handle a topic as sensitive as homosexuality. I did encounter a situation where I messed up so badly that I was not ready to do it again.
My tendency to avoid confrontations that make me uncomfortable was so strong that I effectively kept the skeletons of my sexuality well-hidden in the closet ensuring that our conversations never get anywhere close to alternate sexuality. This had been the case until that last week. It was then that I was forced to face him with the issue. A weird event shattered the barriers I had set for keeping myself well-protected in the safe zone.
Almost 2 years ago, Craig called me on my mobile and introduced himself as a friend of Michael. His rustic, yet humble voice was actually sweet and I was eager to see this guy in person. For some unknown (and unexplainable) reason, I restrained myself from taking him into my world of fantasies.
He wanted me to help him figure out whether to join my department or another in the institute where I study. With Michael away and inaccessible due to some reasons, he got in touch with me during the admission process. While I tried my best to give him the honest picture, I hoped he would choose my department. Just as I wished, he joined my department and I became his senior. However, this happened a few months after our first telephone conversation. Meanwhile, he started attending classes at the other department where he got himself admitted. During this period, I got to know that Craig was not really a friend of Michael. They had known each other only through a 'friend of a friend' and they had not seen or talked to each other before.
It was also during this period that I got an opportunity to see him in person. He had come to my campus to meet a professor. Michael and I were together when he arrived and we went to meet him. For me, it was a surprise seeing a short and slightly built guy. I expected the guy with such a soft and melodious voice to be a bit lean and slightly taller (more like Michael). Seeing Michael and me walking towards him, his eyes clearly betrayed that he mistook Michael to be me. Later, I found out that he had expected a formally dressed, lean and tall guy. A description that Michael fits into very well and I am just the opposite.
After the first meeting we did not get a chance to talk to each other for some time. That was until he decided to quit his classes in that department and join mine. I must admit, I was happy for his decision. I wanted him to be around. Although he has all that would make him attractive, I did not find him "interesting". Neither did I try too hard to understand the obvious contradiction.
In spite of studying in the same campus, our schedules made sure that I got very few opportunities to spend time with him. I was not complaining either. However, the moments we did spend together during his first year laid foundation for a stronger bond.
A year later, we found ourselves free most of the time. This coupled to his straining relationships with some of his other friends made it easy for us to frequently go for short walks across the campus. The discussions during these leisure walks centered around science. Within a short while, the topics of the conversations began drifting away from science and into people and life. 
At the beginning, I found myself listening more and talking less. It took me a couple of months to share my opinions on various issues without any hesitation. The moments I spent talking to him grew longer and longer. Strength of the bond holding us together grew stronger proportionally. By this time, I could very easily identify him as a good friend. For anybody to reach this space in my personal hierarchy was quite tough.
Then, it became clear to me why I did not find him "hot"... I had been spontaneously guarding the brotherly love and friendship I share with him and protecting it from lust.
Craig is probably the only one in the (real) world who knows me so well.
