Beginning of the journey

Hey there! This is my first blog here. So let me start with a brief (???) intro about my
self. I’m gay. I realized this many years ago when I was very young. But I didn’t know how
to call that. My teenage was very confusing. My attempts at understanding my sexuality
revolved mainly around comparing my thoughts with my classmates’. There was one small
problem. I could not talk to my friends about this. Not that I was dumb. I simply could not
talk about my fantasies that involved only men. Why?? Don’t think that’s very difficult to
guess. You don’t want to get outcast by your classmates. I did find a solution to this
problem, eventually. It was to overhear their conversations. Fortunately, I didn’t have to break into somebody’s private space to do that. The guys in my class were quite vocal. They would discuss everything from crushes to sexual acts (quite loudly). So, all I did was just sit in my place and when I don’t have anything to do, just pretend to read something and listen to what the guys were talking about. Nobody would suspect me. Atleast, I thought so. But, more than the fragments of conversation, it was the actions that answered many of my questions. I don’t know which country you belong to and what a class room means to you. I don’t think
there will be much of a difference though. In my class was this popular guy, lets call him Vid. Actually, he was my first crush. I found him attractive for all 6 years at school. He was more like what you’d call a jock but nice with everyone and fits into all the crowds but he wanted to be with the guys who would always talk about sex. In that group was this macho guy who seem to know – or at least acted as if he knew – everything about that. Lets call him San. It sounds awkward but guess I don’t have any thing else. These two guys were my primary interest. Because, when they talked they seemed to suggest that my feelings for men were abnormal but sometimes, their behavior suggested otherwise.
When girls were not around, they would like to get a little too closer. After these years, I
still have some vivid memories. Vid was standing before us. San came towards him. When he
was just behind Vid, he stopped and embraced Vid from behind. Within moments, his hands
found their way to Vid’s crotch. Vid had anticipated this and was trying to protect himself
with his own hands. And, he would bend his body in a way would press his behind
into San’s crotch. They were struggling in front of the whole class. Both of them had a
smile in their faces throughout. They seemed to be enjoying it. Although the struggle
involved was a matter of strength, it was also something they found pleasurous. Vid called
his partner all kinds of names. This lasted for a few minutes, and Vid would claim victory
for escaping San’s grip or San himself would give up after claiming to have sqeezed Vid to
defeat. This didn’t really answer my questions. Instead raised many. Made me more curious.
Such battles would not happen very often and I had to wait. As you would have guessed, these were not the only form of homosexual acts I witnessed in
the class. A few times, I had found San kissing (always forcibly) other guys. Now,
thinking about all that, I have no idea what went on in the minds of all the guys in that
group when they cheered San, and in the minds of those guys who remained mute spectators (some with smiles in their faces) who had taken the occurrence of such incidents for granted. And more importantly what went through in the minds of San and Vid.After a few years, I realized that my approach was not good enough. I was confused. I realized what it meant to have sex. But didn’t understand why guys tried to press and hump their crotch into other (their victim’s) back. But one thing was for sure, my sexuality was certainly not usual. I was almost sure that I was strange and I had some kind of disease when I happened to find
other sources. Magazines. In my family you wouldn’t find many magazines. But, at that time,
I could get my hands on one moderate magazine that was meant to be for the family yet
carried some interesting articles occasionally. After a few years, finally I realized that I
was not alone and there are lots of guys out there who share my feelings.When I was 17, I got introduced to the whole new medium. WWW. Internet and world wide web
was not entirely new to me though. But, it was new as a teacher of such info. I came face to
face with reality. I saw why guys hump other guys from behind. It was shocking. Nothing less
than horrible. I could not take that image out of my head for many months. The guy at the
bottom was horrified. I could not believe that men had sex with other men this way. It was
difficult for me to convince myself that I have to endure such a torture simply because I
love a guy. I desperately needed professional help. I tried hard to change my orientation. I wanted to force myself to look at girls with lust and to ignore the pleasure I received from the look and touch of guys I liked. After all this, I moved to the next level. I cannot fool myself. I’m gay and I can’t change it.
Neither can I forego my sense of dislike for the kind of act I witnessed. I found a way out.
If at all I gained an active sexual life, I would not let my partner’s precious part taste
my excreta. Neither would I allow my partner, the guy I love, experience pain. I would share
only pleasure with my partner. No Pain. After a few years, I still think the same way. But my thoughts about the act had changed.
After reading some of the experiences of men performing such acts online, I think it must
not be all that painful after all. Or atleast, the element of pleasure had to be more than
the pain factor. This is how I realized my sexuality. My realization is certainly not
complete for I’m still a virgin. And my journey goes on.
Don’t think this is a proper intro. But anyways this is it for today. Don’t know when I’ll
be back. Before I go, if you’ve read this, why don’t you let me know what you think about my
‘journey’. Later… Ciao.