Words

I closed my eyes and sat down. I just did not know what I was feeling. Neither was I sure how I should respond. First, he lied to me about something for no apparent reason and two, he dismissed my questions on why he lied... even before I ask him. If it were someone else, I would have probably to cared too little and not bothered at all. Of course, he was not just anybody. It was Raj.

The last few days had been very enjoyable. I was having a great time with him. All those silly fights and arguments over nothing were bringing us closer. At least that was what I thought. Once, when a friend remarked that when she saw us sitting together that day, we looked like a couple. Such casual comments with no meaning had become quite usual. Although they were meant to be humorous, it used to feel really good hearing this friend of mine (who knows both of us quite well) speaks of us together in this manner. What's interesting about that particular comment was that when he heard her, he did not reject the possibility and made faces suggesting disgust, instead he pulled me towards him and put his arms around me holding me close while walking. I had never felt happy around him ever before.

The happiness did not prevail for a long time though. Within a few hours, we were in the middle of another argument when I unwittingly disturbed one of this experiments. This made him really angry. The hostility and anger I saw in his eyes brought me back to the earth and made me realize that I can never take the special place in his heart.
The cause of my joy was nothing but a farce.

One day later, there he was trying to be normal and jovial with me but the unable to do so. His words telling me to know my limits reverberating in my mind every time I see the anger in his eyes that he is trying to suppress. Are these not enough to push me into the same old spot where I find myself stifled by the frustrations and claustrophobia. This time though I resisted. I was not ready to go there. I wanted to let time take its course and heal the gap between us.

The hope was fast withering away and it was then that he came up with this lie, probably to ease some situation and calm me down or to prevent me from suspecting a friend of his (did I mention that I don't like many Michael likes... well the same is true in Raj's case as well!) of being responsible for the situation. Whatever the reason it was flimsy and the lie was unnecessary. When I found out that what he told me was a lie, I could handle it. It was no big deal, just a little annoyance. However, when I told him that what I learned, he dismissed the conversation instantly. It was very clear that he gave no importance to what I said and what I was going to say.

I was hurt. And that was all that was required to drain my hope and bring down all my defenses against the frustrations. From his perspective, I am probably an annoying friend who has problems with every silly things. But from my view point,it is far more complicated. I did not know whether I should pretend as if I was the guy he sees and act normal or to let go of feelings. I decided to do the former and ended up doing the latter.

Unfortunately, this I know is certainly not the last episode in this story.

The Straight Knot

I was not sure what to say. I could not refuse but I was not interested in taking up the offer either. In fact, I was never offered. Raj was about to sit when he saw me, stopped and asked if I would like to sit first. I was still looking at the pillion seat of a colleague's bike. He was a mutual friend and was ready to drop Raj and me near the lab where I have a measurement to be done. When he saw Raj and me walking out of our campus, he said we could come along. Raj never hesitates at such times, whether it is a stranger or a close friend, he would hop on almost immediately. But, I do. I do not generally like going with anyone who is not a good friend of mine. Of course, I have my own reasons.

I did not say anything. With all the doubts still hovering around in my mind, I stepped forward. I knew I had no other options. The sooner we go the better. Refusing to come would annoy Raj very badly and I cannot risk that. Not only because I need his help that day but also because it hurts to see that he is angry with me for my silliness. It can fuel frustrations so badly that the effect can be pretty bad and last for a long time.

However, I did have the choice of where to sit – whether to sit before Raj and behind the other guy or to sit behind Raj. I asked Raj to go ahead and sit first. Only then it occurred to me that after a similar situation a few months back I told myself to not allow him to sit before me. If the reason for this is not obvious yet, read on...

The regret has not yet established in my mind when the next issue cropped itself up. There was very little space for 3 guys on that bike. That meant a very uncomfortable ride. More so for me because for the past two days I found Raj irresistibly attractive. He was being very nice and I was completely smitten by his charm. Especially on that day, it was hard to keep my hands away from him. I had to satisfy myself with the glances I could steal of his hairy, masculine, sturdy and sweet forearms, deliciously soft and wondorously moist lips.

Within a few seconds, we were on the road. Raj sandwiched between me and our colleague. I accused myself for letting a good opportunity to pass. Previously, when we were on the road going somewhere on foot, another guy offered us a lift and Raj sat before me behind the driver. The bike had a broad rear and it could accommodate three of us quite well. While I was finding it tough to keep my mind clear of any thoughts that could excite me, I was constantly wondering how it would have been had Raj been sitting behind me. Feeling his crotch on my body has been a part of my fantasies for as long as I saw him for the first time. I told myself that day that whenever I get a chance like that I would let Raj sit behind me. However, I let go of a wonderful chance to feel him for the first time.

Every time we slowed down, I found myself slide closer to him. I couldn't help but feel conscious about the proximity. My inner thighs pressed against his back side.... felt amazingly hypererotic. Sadly, I was not able to relish it. It was particularly hard to control my excitement when I realized how small I thought he looked from behind yet how big he was. I had to stretch my legs too wide. Even worse was it when I pictured him sitting behind me trying to get comfortable by pushing his body closer and closer. What helped me in keeping my member under check though was the fear of him finding out.

He had no problem whatsoever with anything. Of course, he had nothing to worry about. He was straight. But, that's was not the case for me. The mere thought of him feeling my hard on serves well to relax all the muscles below my hip and numb my senses temporarily. The conflict between the lustful attraction for my friend and the fear of losing his friendship can be quite disturbing.

Whevever I slid too close to him and felt his backside on my crotch I recoiled in a few seconds to not let him feel anything strange. I wonder whether he felt anything at all. Would a straight guy even bother to think whether about it? Was he aware of my discomfort? I do not know.

Fortunately, the sweet torture was over in about 5 minutes. We got down and I was still semi hard. Thanks to my T-shirt that covered my front, I did not have to do much to cover my erection. While walking towards our lab, I told him that I was not comfortable. However, I did not say why. He only said that it was nothing and there were times when he had gone with 4 other guys on a bike like this. Having gone through this a couple of times, only a really straight guy keep his dick from popping a boner when it is pressed against the smooth butts of some other guy in the front and soft balls of another man probing his rear.

All this takes me to the same question again... Why should he be straight? Why I fall for my straight friends? Why does he look so attractive to me? Why do I want his embrace for life? Why do I want to own his sweet smile? Why do I want to have him?

There are no answers to these questions. There can be none for between the two of us, there is no place for anything more than friendship outside the world of my fantasies. This is a fact I have begun to accept. I have no problems with it.

What is terrifying though is the possibility of losing his friendship when he find out how I see him. For him, I am just a friend. Someone he would spend a couple of hours with, may be share his joy and concerns about things in life. Someone he would count on to get some useful opinions and words of advice when it mattered. Other than that, he would probably find it unimaginable to think of me getting closer physically. More likely is that he would find it unacceptable. Just the way I feel about my other friends, girls in particular. I wouldn't even imagine such a thing with any of them.

If he were to find that whenever I look at him speak, the half of my conscious mind is hoping to taste his soft lips, every time I see his neck with tiny hairs that form his sexy stubble, I want to bite it and run my tongue over it all, when I say he has nice arms, I really mean I want to kiss them and lick them for the rest of my life, when I see him from behind as he bends down, I wish to hug him with passion and lust just the way his back is pressed against my chest, whenever I see him alone, I want to wrestle him, unleash his masculinity, face his manly aggression, fight his desire to win and all the while exploring every bit of his physical strength and every inch of his body, and when I see him face to face, I find it too hard to resist my temptations to grab him to me and hold him against me and keep him with me for ever... If he were to find out...

I cannot think of what he would do, what would happen to my friendship with him. Would he even look at me? Would he forgive me? for finding him attractive... for keeping him in the dark for so long and for finding lustful pleasure in every of my casual touch?

It is not possible for me to see my friendship with him crumble. Neither can I stifle myself by forcing the pangs of lust out of my mind.

Should I let time take care of every thing? Should I try to forget him and find someone else? Or, should I try a bit of both?

When lust meets friendship, what results is turbulence. It seems that the knot only gets more and more complex as time goes by. Let us see how things turn out...

The Helical Charm

It is quite rare that I spend sunday mornings away from my bed. Yesterday was not one of those usual days. I was sitting in a class room full of strangers trying to recollect points from my lecture notes that are at least 4 years old. It was a national exam that 1000s of students in India write twice every year. Many including me, have habituated to this exam so well that it has become almost a ritual. Whats different about this time was the place. Good thing about taking this exam in a new city was that you need not worry about the possibility of running into familiar faces, especially those that would rather not. This city is better still because of the sheer number of handsome students that study here.
Not everything can be perfect, can it be? I was not alone. With a female colleague, who also happens to be a friend who thinks you are straight, with you, you can't really enjoy the scenary. :-( Adding fuel to the fire was this frustrating question- why Raj was not there? Why his centre was not the same as mine? Why can I not have a few moments with him? And, on top of all that was the characteristic frustrations about the wastefulness of writing an exam without any preparation.
However, all those nagging thoughts disappeared the instant I saw him. His charm was so overwhelming that I had to invent a reason to tell my friend why I was looking at a stranger, if she had noticed it. The excuse I could think of was the double helix on his black jacket. DNA had never looked so beautiful.
He was certainly not one of those models you would find in a TV ad. He was just i good looking young man who looked amazingly delicious to eyes. It was difficult keeping my eyes off him. His physique was similar to Raj's and a fantasy of the two making out is undoubtedly tempting.

Sadly, the fantasies are fantasies. Unreal. And one has to accept that certain things are unattainable. Here comes the obvious questions!
Why should Raj be straight? Why do I always end up liking a straight friend?
Will I ever find MY helical charm?

The Circle of Lust

New city, new languages, new places, new job, new faces, but the same old problem.

In the past few months, my journey has taken me along a couple of diversions. After my masters, I took up a job for a few months and moved to the out-skirts of the city. Before I could fall into the usual routine, I got an opportunity in Pune. It did not take me much time to decide to attend the interview. Although I was sure I would get it, I was not sure whether I am taking the right step forward.

I reached Pune one day before the interview and stayed in a hotel. With nothing much to do, I slept almost the whole day trying to get rid of the tiredness you almost always get inflicted with when you travel in Indian Railways. The next day, I reached the institute where I was supposed to attend the interview almost on time. I found myself among about 20 young men and one girl waiting to be interviewed for this position. There were two vaccancies. On one hand, I was getting nervous and on the other, I was curious to check who among the crowd was more handsome. It was not an easy task, at least not for me.

The first round got over and I was among the 5 short-listed. I was more confident by then and began paying closer attention to the other 4 men there. At one point, I was sitting between 2 guys whom I thought had a good chance of getting the job. To my left was this guy who looked good, but was too anxious. For some reason I had a strong negative vibes from him. Now that I think about it, it could have got its origin in my desire for the guy to my right. He was more handsome and was visibly cool. I spoke to him much less but desired more. I was able to feel my heart pace when he came and sat next to me to inquire about my interview experience and about the panel. I tried my best not to show this excitement to him. The fact that I was not certain about the result made it a lot easier.

The same day I started from Pune and reached home the next day. It was after more than a month that I had to go back to Pune and join. One of my friends here, who informed me about my selection told me that it was a girl who was selected along with me in the interview. It was both disappointing and surprising, for there was no girl among the candidates short-listed for the second round of interview. I thought sitting next to that guy was the closest I could get to him.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), it turned out to be wrong. I went late to the office where I had to submit my documents before joining. I had to go there with a girl, who was also there to join. Talking to her on the way, I realized that she was selected for another position in the same department that I am joining. That clarification took the shape of hope, but I was careful not to let it grow too strong. At the office, I saw him sitting with his documents and filling up forms.

May be I should call him by a name as I would be referring to him a lot of times in this post itself, and hopefully in the future posts also. Let's call him Raj.

It was on that day that I began the next lap on the circular course called life.

Before Strangeness Took Over...

Craig is probably the only one in the (real) world who knows me so well.

Thanks to the countless hours of conversations during those leisure walks along the avenues of the campus, he knows what my stand is on every issue in the world. He has also been the witness to the evolution of my thoughts in some of these issues. What was so stunning was my preparedness to open out to him.

Keeping all thoughts to myself for so many years and suffering from the resulting claustrophobia, I felt greatly relieved to have someone listen to me so sincerely. It was also reassuring to know that he respects my views even if it almost always contradicts his!

From premarital sex to energy conservation he knows what I think about everything. Although his opinions cannot be anything but conservative, he does not mind hearing the exact opposite from me. Even better he would try to see I make sense to him. However, in most cases, he would stick to his stand. I exercised this fast-becoming habit of sharing my thoughts about virtually everything under the sun, diligently with the excuse that it will help me assess myself better and give me a chance to look at the issue from a different perspective.

Until recently, there was just one topic that remained away from our conversation. It was perhaps the most sensitive and the most significant in my personal life. It was homosexuality.

There were two reasons for my reluctance.
One... He has his thoughts so strongly rooted in what people call 'culture' and 'tradition'.

Two... I was very unsure as to whether I can handle a topic as sensitive as homosexuality. I did encounter a situation where I messed up so badly that I was not ready to do it again.

My tendency to avoid confrontations that make me uncomfortable was so strong that I effectively kept the skeletons of my sexuality well-hidden in the closet ensuring that our conversations never get anywhere close to alternate sexuality. This had been the case until that last week. It was then that I was forced to face him with the issue. A weird event shattered the barriers I had set for keeping myself well-protected in the safe zone.

Another Human in My Space

Almost 2 years ago, Craig called me on my mobile and introduced himself as a friend of Michael. His rustic, yet humble voice was actually sweet and I was eager to see this guy in person. For some unknown (and unexplainable) reason, I restrained myself from taking him into my world of fantasies.

He wanted me to help him figure out whether to join my department or another in the institute where I study. With Michael away and inaccessible due to some reasons, he got in touch with me during the admission process. While I tried my best to give him the honest picture, I hoped he would choose my department. Just as I wished, he joined my department and I became his senior. However, this happened a few months after our first telephone conversation. Meanwhile, he started attending classes at the other department where he got himself admitted. During this period, I got to know that Craig was not really a friend of Michael. They had known each other only through a 'friend of a friend' and they had not seen or talked to each other before.

It was also during this period that I got an opportunity to see him in person. He had come to my campus to meet a professor. Michael and I were together when he arrived and we went to meet him. For me, it was a surprise seeing a short and slightly built guy. I expected the guy with such a soft and melodious voice to be a bit lean and slightly taller (more like Michael). Seeing Michael and me walking towards him, his eyes clearly betrayed that he mistook Michael to be me. Later, I found out that he had expected a formally dressed, lean and tall guy. A description that Michael fits into very well and I am just the opposite.

After the first meeting we did not get a chance to talk to each other for some time. That was until he decided to quit his classes in that department and join mine. I must admit, I was happy for his decision. I wanted him to be around. Although he has all that would make him attractive, I did not find him "interesting". Neither did I try too hard to understand the obvious contradiction.

In spite of studying in the same campus, our schedules made sure that I got very few opportunities to spend time with him. I was not complaining either. However, the moments we did spend together during his first year laid foundation for a stronger bond.

A year later, we found ourselves free most of the time. This coupled to his straining relationships with some of his other friends made it easy for us to frequently go for short walks across the campus. The discussions during these leisure walks centered around science. Within a short while, the topics of the conversations began drifting away from science and into people and life.

At the beginning, I found myself listening more and talking less. It took me a couple of months to share my opinions on various issues without any hesitation. The moments I spent talking to him grew longer and longer. Strength of the bond holding us together grew stronger proportionally. By this time, I could very easily identify him as a good friend. For anybody to reach this space in my personal hierarchy was quite tough.

Then, it became clear to me why I did not find him "hot"... I had been spontaneously guarding the brotherly love and friendship I share with him and protecting it from lust.

Craig is probably the only one in the (real) world who knows me so well.

Monogamy and Me...

Talking about sexuality and 'being gay' without any inhibitions to someone face-to-face is one activity that I am eagerly waiting to do for many years now. I am yet to indulge in such a conversation away from the virtual world. And, I have not experienced the pleasure of spending hours and hours talking about nothing with that special someone under a tree or while walking along the beach refusing to accept that anything other than the two of us exists in this world, and it continues to remain an unfulfilled dream.

However, my tendency to talk to myself (not literally!) had helped me identify how I would want my life to be... especially the part concerning love. If I find a guy with whom I decide to share the rest of my life with, driven by mutual admiration and love..., how much space will I give him? and how flexible will I allow the relationship to be? These are questions I had no problems answering until a few months back.

Now, I am beginning to rethink as I understand more about myself. I used to believe firmly that I was not possessive. I knew for sure that I was tolerant. What I didn't realize then was the fact that this assessment required a more profound analysis.

I now understand that I may find the idea of 'open relationship' very difficult to adjust with. It may become difficult for me to imagine that the guy I love is getting close with another person. It may even drive me crazy. Contrary to my earlier beliefs, may be... I am just like any other guy!!! A guy who cannot stand his partner finding intimacy with another person... who finds it impossible to imagine his partner finding physical/sexual/emotional joy with someone else... who wants his partner all for himself...

I do not advocate for or against monogamy in a relationship and neither am I going to make my choice. I am only interested in the process. The process of uncovering where I really stand on issues that concern me the most. The issues I'm dealing with and the ones I imagine I may face in the future.

Like in many other cases, Michael had a role to play in this... (without his knowledge!) I had described how he had been the cause of my frustrations with myself for the past few months. Well, it was not fair to blame just him. There is one other person who deserves it. (How reluctant I am to put this person together with him even here!!!)

This other person (lets call her Saina...) is another student in my class. I am going to try and reduce the space I give in this blog describing events around her. She is a close friend of Michael. It seems to me that he cannot stop himself from telling her everything. When I look at the way they keep 'fighting' when they are together makes me wonder whether there is more to their friendship than whats apparent. Although I found such activities annoying, such thoughts never bothered me until a few months back. Thats when I began considering him to be suitable for being in the closest of my hierarchical spheres... reserved only for my best friends. The space, which I guard the most. It was the time I encouraged myself to see beyond the veil and shed my ideas of what makes a man attractive (may be just to accommodate him!). Things became more confusing as I never managed to find him trustworthy of becoming anything more than a 'friend'. And, lust soon overtook the proceedings complicating things further. And, the result.... Frustrations... Anger!!

What is Saina's role? She was fanning the frustration in me. All she had to do was smile. I found that so fake that I even contemplated telling her to stop it. You can only imagine how it would be when I see her 'flirting' with him. More so, when I see that he was looking for just that! You think I am jealous? Well, I certainly think so!

This is where I am. It is true that I have a crush on him and I find him attractive. But, he is not trustworthy... I do not know him much... He is very clearly straight... and I know for sure that I will never get any closer with him... YET..... I cannot stand to see him spending more time with another person.

Should I eliminate all doubts and get convinced that it will be impossible for me to see 'my guy' getting closer to someone else? Or, should I consider the role of unreasonable hope I harboured within myself and the uncertainty visibly surrounding it to be more significant? If I were to choose the latter, I guess I need to wait for a situation where the place of Michael will be taken up by that someone whom I trust entirely!

Quite naturally, I choose to wait...

Alone Again...!

When expectations subside, reason surfaces...(?)

The time I spend thinking about him has come down. He is no longer the epicentre of my fantasies. His presence is not what I long for any more. His attention is not the most precious gift I expect to be showered with all the time.

Yet, I am not happy.

The void his thoughts left behind is very much empty...

He's Back...

Michael is back in the city but the feelings I had for him are not...

Distance was definitely an important reason for this improvement. Concerns relating to my studies also kept me occupied and ensured that his memories are wiped off my mind (at least from the surface) in the first few months. Subsequently, I identified his potential replacements. Before developing any strong bond with one of them, I had to come back to the Chennai myself.

Now that he is back (only for about a month), it will be interesting to see how things change.

Close yet Unreachable!

There he was... right in front of me, tired of boredom, his slumberous eyes exuding lethargy and oodles of charm. The few meters of space separating us, seemed like a few kilometers.

From where I was seated, my eyes had unrestricted access to his back. And, they don't usually let go off such an opportunity.





His words, "Lets sleep..." resonated endlessly in my mind. Unable to give up my tendency to attach fictional meanings to words with little reason and more imagination, I had begun fantasizing about the possibility of actually sleeping with him... right there..! Thanks to my classmates for keeping themselves busy, I was able to remain in my fantasy world with Michael for sometime.

An unexpected disturbance was all it required to help me realize that that was not the right place for such activities. I forced myself to walking out of the room. Looking back, I wish that glass wall crumbles. I can only wish...

From 'Hi' to 'Good night'...

Expectations--> Disappointment--> Frustration--> Anger

Thanks to Michael, I have learned this lesson a hundred times over.

Talking to him in the presence of a mutual friend is something I don't generally enjoy much. But hey... something is better than nothing. So, there I was unwilling to leave the campus and miss an opportunity (however bad that was!) to just talk to him. Throughout the conversation, I could sense a kind of unease in him. Mysteriously, thats one thing I enjoy watching. The vulnerability in his brown eyes was so vivid. It was as if he was trying too hard to hold up the falling fortress within which he had been protecting himself.

It was getting darker. The short chat had to come to an end. He said he will be coming to the college the day after. I wanted to be there. Especially because, I believed that would give the kind of privacy I could never get on any other day. Most of the 'mutual friends' will be absent from the scene! (Fortunately, I found that my belief/assumption was baseless. Why is that fortunate? Read on...)

I must admit. I was excited about this meeting. (Now that I think about it, it seems so silly!) I was thinking of reasons why I should talk to him that day. This search for topics-of-discussion ended abruptly when I received a text message from him saying that he is leaving the campus. That was when I was about 30 minutes away from where he was. I could not possibly stop him. I was upset. It was just that it took me some time to realize how much this had actually affected me. On reaching the college, I began feeling it.

Walking to the library, I saw the place where we were chatting the other day. (did I hear my expectations fall to the ground?... hey ... it had already shattered to pieces! that must be something else!!!)

For him, being with me was not as important as being with him was for me. That was pretty clear. He did not even care to wait for a few more minutes to say a "hi". It simply did not matter to him. With such thoughts hovering around in my mind, I could hardly understand why fibers of coiled-coils are so special! Eventually, my anger was redirected at Woolfson for his poor attempt at explaining whatever it was he tried explaining in his chapter/book. Unable to bear it anymore, I had to get out of the library. Finding the canteen closed, I had to spend the evening with an empty stomach without even a tea!

Unfortunately, hunger helps little in such situations. It certainly was efficient in helping fan my temper. If hunger was a catalyst, the cool breeze blowing over my face was an effective inhibitor. Also, a crowd-free campus coupled with the sweet noise of tree branches rassling with the wind can be pretty soothing at times. I decided to try just that. However, the process proved to be more resilient and it was well beyond any control. I had completely lost control over my tempers.

I was angry.

Coming home in the evening provided a little relief. That was until my mobile service provider decided to give me more reasons to worry. Being prone to irritations was a perfect impediment to a sound sleep. It didn't occur to me then... that decisions taken at such a moment often lead to more trouble. And, I ended up messaging him informing that he needed to get certain papers ready by Monday. Soon, came an "OK" for a reply.

Again, he chose to shatter my expectations (- striking a conversation before sleeping). Whats worse... he was apparently too busy to even say "Good night"!

Although, the anger was primarily directed at him. I understand that it was mainly due to my frustrations. Frustrations stemming from my conviction that I am unable to root out his thoughts from that part of my personal sphere, which I should have reserved only for that 'special someone'.

Goodbye!

After 17 days of the birth of new year, it is probably a bit too late to bid good bye to 2008. As they say... better late than never. :-)

"It was just another year... nothing special" I said, in response to a friend's question on how the year was on its last day. It did not take me too long to realize that this assessment was incorrect. However, I chose not to let him know what went through in my mind as he continued to say why the year was important for him.

Looking back and analyzing more carefully this time, I find many reasons why my earlier statement was wrong. Things changed quite drastically last year. The most significant lesson I learned in 2008 was that human beings are complicated!

Forming new friendships, breaking a few and strengthening some, 2008 made me understand the interdependence that is at the core of our existence in this society. I had spent most of my free time in introspection. Now, I can very clearly say that I know very little about myself.

No Face Value

Imaginary characters have made a successful comeback in my fantasies. With nobody to replace that which Michael has occupied for the past few months, it is only natural that I needed faceless imaginary strangers... for the obvious purpose.

Changing Dynamics

Oddity 4
Originally uploaded by Pulpolux !!!

"do not fall for the straight guys" - words of advice by a good friend...
Have I adopted this advice? Hmmm......I think I sincerely want to but am not able to... at least for now.

After trying to list the possible reasons to believe that his place in my social sphere has weakened, I realized that it has only strengthened in the last few weeks. With nobody to direct my fantasies at, I do not find it easy to remove him from my mind completely. At the same time, my attempts to follow those words adds to the mounting frustrations. The most obvious manifestation of this is longing for loneliness.... and perhaps dislike for all those around him.

The dynamics of my relationship with him continues to change. Most probably, this 'confusion' is temporary. This state is more likely to change in the near future and it would be interesting (at least to me!) to see how things turn out.

Magandeep Singh

A hot anchor is hard to find in Indian television.

Magandeep Singh is not one of those conventional 'hot' guy on screen. But, he certainly is one of the most attractive male anchors.



I have no interest in foreign countries, their life style and their food. This disinterest does not stop me from watching this guy in "Around the world in 85 plates".

You will find more about Magan here.

From Lust to Anger...

Lust is not the only feeling I have for him. More often, its anger too.
It took just a small change in the day's plan (because of him) to make me go mad. Now that I think about it, my anger was probably the result of frustration. Frustration that finds its foundation in the fact he appears to be just too straight. This and my desperation had been troubling me for the the past few weeks.



A careless act from his side was all these emotions needed to get themselves out of the confines of my caged mind... after transforming themselves into the more familiar, acceptable and easily excusable... anger.

From Mukhundha to Mutham Tha!

Exploring the possibilities of a gay angle in the story of a masked super hero, I was listening to Michael's narration of the movie. Blame my mood, I couldn't help but notice his meandering eyes. They were restless. It appeared as if he was trying his best to look straight into my eyes. That's when I realized that my leisurely posture was giving him a direct view of my crotch. I did notice his eyes lingering around my crotch every now and then. Even a momentary glance should be sufficient to infuse curiosity in me.

All these thoughts in my head led to the usual consequence. An erection at that moment would definitely attract his attention even if my guesses were incorrect. And that was too risky. I decided to try and control myself. Obviously, it was not an easy job. While sustaining the conversation, I repositioned myself frequently so that any movements near my crotch remained unknown to him.

It was evident that he was thinking of something all the while. His narration of the story was not spectacular. Who cares!!! This is the first hint (sort of!) I got from him in 2 years. I was too busy watching his moves and following his eyes and the conversation was just a formality.

When I realized that his eyes were being dragged towards my body, I made sure those brown eyes have unrestricted access. A few minutes later, he turned towards me and put his right leg over the arm rest. Sitting at 90 degrees from him in a similar chair I could see his crotch more clearly. Was that a deliberate move...? Or was he just trying to get comfortable...?

The topic shifted from superhero to a local hero! I was telling him how bad the performance of the actor was in a song in his recent movie. I forgot the first few words and he tried to help me out.... The song was "Mukhunda Mukhunda..." I heard him say "Mutham Tha Mutham Tha..." (it literally means "kiss me"). I knew that's what I heard him say.... I was not sure whether I heard him correctly. And, the second time, he said "Mukhunda... Mukhunda... " Was that all my imagination? Or was that another hint?

The gay in me was quick to assume that they were hints to be taken seriously. However, there seems to be little logic in such an assumption. The fact that he is/acts too straight at all time makes the argument weaker. Hmmmm.... like many other issues, only time can help me!!!

Where do I stand?

Change is something I do not find easy to handle. The most significant of the changes will be the removal of this invisible boundary I have around myself. The shield I use to protect myself from the potential hostility of the society.

At this point, I am not too eager to take steps to get myself out of this self-imposed gaol. That doesn't mean I do not understand the importance of being honest with people I am close to. I do wish to experience the freedom that so many straight people take for granted in expressing their sexuality.

I have no intention of shouting from top of the world that I am gay. Coming out probably means letting ones I love, know what my orientation is. Once this becomes a reality, I guess I will care nothing about strangers. Until then, I wish to let my sexuality remains away from the view of people.

There were times when I feel so stupid for keeping this hidden from my family. Such moments are quite frequent nowadays. One such is when my mother quickly dismisses my denial to get married in the future. How badly I want her to understand that those were the words of truth!

Being Proud!

Gay Pride March displaying the different shades of sexuality in Indian Society


India saw its first gay pride march. Looking from within the closet, it was strange... I'm amazed at the courage of these people. Its not an easy job to stand up against this adamant ad intolerant society. There is no doubt that these marches will help people realize that this society does consist of a large number of individuals who do not identify as 'straight'. I'm not sure whether it will help change the situation further The common perception is that homosexuality is the result of westernization. Such parades may reinforce this misconception. On the other hand, something is better than nothing. Even if such parades manage to provoke a few individuals in the society, its good enough.