Doubts!!!

I saw those eyes again. This time, we were under a tree. I was too eager to meet him. It was him who wanted to meet me. I tried my best to suppress my imagination. I guess I was quite successful with that... (atleast until we started talking). Sitting there with him was quite a relief. I don’t know from what! Its probably because like his presence.

Talking to him for about half an hour was not what I enjoyed. It was the chance to look at his face that I relished. The same eyes... It was piercing me. He had his eyes bore deep into me as if it was trying to rip my mask off and explore my true Self!

Discussing some uninteresting things, we started walking to the canteen. I liked walking with him by my side. There we discussed some hardcore science. His eyes had changed rapidly. It was more of curiosity and attentiveness that I could see now.

Standing under a tree now, the topic drifted away from science to our relationship. It was not exactly what we were talking about. He did make a passing remark that brought me back to earth. "I don’t love you", or was it... "We are not lovers...", I do not remember the exact words. But, I did understand what those words meant. I tried to pretend as if that remark did not affect me. It hardly took me a second to recover.... That second was perhaps the longest second. My mind was riddled with thoughts, filled with questions, doubts... and disappointment!

It was not exactly shocking as I know quite well that he considered me as his friend and nothing more than that. It was shocking the way he said it. It was as if he had been wanting to tell me this someway or the other and that he had been waiting for the right time. My suspicion was probably a product of my imagination… But, I was ready to discard that thought very easily.

A few minutes later, we were walking back when he told me what he thinks of a best friend. His confession that he had no best friends was disheartening. What followed was more disturbing. His definition of a best friend was 'one with whom you can share everything... except sex of course!' Now This statement would have meant absolutely nothing to me. Given the state of my mind... I could not help but read between the lines.



Confusions apart, one thing is crystal clear. He is my friend. I want him to be my friend. His sexual orientation and his interests make no difference…