Imaginary characters have made a successful comeback in my fantasies. With nobody to replace that which Michael has occupied for the past few months, it is only natural that I needed faceless imaginary strangers... for the obvious purpose.
Lust is not the only feeling I have for him. More often, its anger too.
It took just a small change in the day's plan (because of him) to make me go mad. Now that I think about it, my anger was probably the result of frustration. Frustration that finds its foundation in the fact he appears to be just too straight. This and my desperation had been troubling me for the the past few weeks. _1217441598750.png){kind=tracking}
A careless act from his side was all these emotions needed to get themselves out of the confines of my caged mind... after transforming themselves into the more familiar, acceptable and easily excusable... anger.
Exploring the possibilities of a gay angle in the story of a masked super hero, I was listening to Michael's narration of the movie. Blame my mood, I couldn't help but notice his meandering eyes. They were restless. It appeared as if he was trying his best to look straight into my eyes. That's when I realized that my leisurely posture was giving him a direct view of my crotch. I did notice his eyes lingering around my crotch every now and then. Even a momentary glance should be sufficient to infuse curiosity in me.
All these thoughts in my head led to the usual consequence. An erection at that moment would definitely attract his attention even if my guesses were incorrect. And that was too risky. I decided to try and control myself. Obviously, it was not an easy job. While sustaining the conversation, I repositioned myself frequently so that any movements near my crotch remained unknown to him.
It was evident that he was thinking of something all the while. His narration of the story was not spectacular. Who cares!!! This is the first hint (sort of!) I got from him in 2 years. I was too busy watching his moves and following his eyes and the conversation was just a formality.
When I realized that his eyes were being dragged towards my body, I made sure those brown eyes have unrestricted access. A few minutes later, he turned towards me and put his right leg over the arm rest. Sitting at 90 degrees from him in a similar chair I could see his crotch more clearly. Was that a deliberate move...? Or was he just trying to get comfortable...?
The topic shifted from superhero to a local hero! I was telling him how bad the performance of the actor was in a song in his recent movie. I forgot the first few words and he tried to help me out.... The song was "Mukhunda Mukhunda..." I heard him say "Mutham Tha Mutham Tha..." (it literally means "kiss me"). I knew that's what I heard him say.... I was not sure whether I heard him correctly. And, the second time, he said "Mukhunda... Mukhunda... " Was that all my imagination? Or was that another hint?
The gay in me was quick to assume that they were hints to be taken seriously. However, there seems to be little logic in such an assumption. The fact that he is/acts too straight at all time makes the argument weaker. Hmmmm.... like many other issues, only time can help me!!!
Change is something I do not find easy to handle. The most significant of the changes will be the removal of this invisible boundary I have around myself. The shield I use to protect myself from the potential hostility of the society.
At this point, I am not too eager to take steps to get myself out of this self-imposed gaol. That doesn't mean I do not understand the importance of being honest with people I am close to. I do wish to experience the freedom that so many straight people take for granted in expressing their sexuality.
I have no intention of shouting from top of the world that I am gay. Coming out probably means letting ones I love, know what my orientation is. Once this becomes a reality, I guess I will care nothing about strangers. Until then, I wish to let my sexuality remains away from the view of people.
There were times when I feel so stupid for keeping this hidden from my family. Such moments are quite frequent nowadays. One such is when my mother quickly dismisses my denial to get married in the future. How badly I want her to understand that those were the words of truth!
Gay Pride March displaying the different shades of sexuality in Indian Society
India saw its first gay pride march. Looking from within the closet, it was strange... I'm amazed at the courage of these people. Its not an easy job to stand up against this adamant ad intolerant society. There is no doubt that these marches will help people realize that this society does consist of a large number of individuals who do not identify as 'straight'. I'm not sure whether it will help change the situation further The common perception is that homosexuality is the result of westernization. Such parades may reinforce this misconception. On the other hand, something is better than nothing. Even if such parades manage to provoke a few individuals in the society, its good enough.
I was coming out of the library when I saw someone walking out of the shopping complex. I was able to recognize her almost immediately. She was one of the few people who helped me survive the transition from a student to an employee. For some reason, I felt uneasy being there. May be, I did not want her to see me outside a library. It was probably because I never discussed with her about my decision to quit the company and going back to text-books. However, I did not try too hard to hide myself. The discomfort in the mind had not seeped into my body completely. And, I was sitting right there. She did not notice me and went with another woman she had come there with.
I do not remember what I was waiting for near the library's entrance. As I walked to the bus stop, I began wondering how my life would have changed if I had not made that decision. Now that I think about it, most of the thoughts don't make much sense. I was probably considering the possibility of getting back to the same juncture after a slightly longer detour.
Getting into the bus, I sat in one of the vacant seats and tried to take money out of my pocket. That was when I remembered that I had previously decided not to go to college that day. I was not sure whether to get the ticket or get down. The conductor was at the other end. I had to decide quickly. I got down the bus. Looking around, I realized that this was not the same as the one where I got the bus. I couldn't believe that it took me so much time that the bus reached the next stop. Now, I needed to find my way back.
I saw a group of people sitting at the other end of the long platform at the bus stop. I walked towards them hoping that the road would lead me to the main road where I would find the stop. Walking towards them, I realized they were eating. They looked like a family of daily laborers. May be they were a just group of laborers of different generations. Isn't it obvious that my eyes were more interested in the young men! There were two well built guys squatting close to the platform with their plates in their hands. To my right was the rest of the group which had an old man, a few middle aged men and if I remember correctly, an old woman. The guys were not exactly good-looking. The masculine 'aura' around them was just too strong. I saw them looking at me as I walked towards them. Although it was a platform I was walking on, I felt like an intruder trespassing into their territory.
I managed to walk past them without disturbing any of their belongings that were lying scattered around on the road. Something made me turn around. I could feel that they had noticed me turn towards them. Realizing that this awkwardness of the situation can be removed if I ask them how to get to the bus stop, I approached them. I ended up asking the guys and the old man who was now standing almost intimidated and pretending not to be. Strangely I asked them in English with hand gestures. Before I could question my choice of language, I heard someone else(one of the middle-aged men) gave me the directions that I did not understand. One of the guys realized it and interfered. He was very well composed and told me to go straight and take left... I could not take anything more than that. My sense of directions is the worst. Now, it was the old man's turn to interfere. He looked at ease now. He looked at me and said the same thing in what sounded like Malayalam with words like 'straight', 'left' and 'right' intact. I was more relaxed now and responded to him in Tamil.
I could see something strange in the face of the old man as he continued. The suspicion stemmed from the fact that his directions had become too confusing and too long. The anxiety was back again and this time I knew what it meant. I needed to get out of that place. I don't remember whether I thanked them but started walking. All I knew by then was that I had to go straight and take left. It was a narrow street. I could hear some commotion back there. I was not sure if thats my imagination, but I thought I heard the old man tell the two guys, "why did you let him go". This was accompanied by a flash of the two men standing tall and strong before the frail old man looking at me.
I started walking fast. I did not want to look back to check whether I'm being followed. The narrow street had ended and I saw a still narrower street to my left. I had started running. A woman carrying a huge load of brooms was coming towards me. As she saw me, she gave me enough space to squeeze myself between the stone wall and brooms.
Soon after, the street turned right and gave me less than a minute to choose between two roads, yet again. I took the one to my left. Once there, I seemed to recognize the place. I did not waste time when I had come to that place before. My legs seemed to know where to go. After, what felt like a few minutes, I was at the top of a spiral staircase. I have absolutely no idea how I got there. I knew for sure that I did not jump across buildings like Spider man!
I climbed down the stairs so quickly that I did not even feel dizzy. I found what appeared to be a burrow. It seemed to be the best thing to do to protect myself from the danger. I ran deep into the channel and when I could see the end of the tunnel, a huge hand came towards me. I bit it furiously as it tried to grab me. The whole of my body. The next moment, I was out of the tunnel. But, in the hands of someone. Someone so huge that his palm was bigger than me. I was lowered down to a place I recognize better. I felt at ease. I was set free. Seeing the glass cage on one side and the rest of 'my' world on the other, I felt more secure.
I became more aware of where I was. The sounds slowly started trickling in. I could feel myself moving on my bed. It was only after I opened my eyes did I realize that I was at the safety of my home... with a book on DNA by my side and my mind full of thoughts.
This mid-day dream betrayed my anxieties. Whats interesting and what made it so significant was the fact that this dream was so vivid. All my insecurities, fears and anxieties were exposed in this one dream. What I could not understand though was what I saw or rather felt during the last few minutes... the transition into the real world from the unreal.
Yesterday was one of those bad days. Every minute of the day was spent drowning slowly in the sea of sorrow that does not exist.
I was not ready to let this one go unexplained like many other mysteries that are surrounding me. Exploring the possible reasons, I walked down the corridor towards the campus canteen. It did not take me much time to zero in on the first possibility.
It was the online conversation with a new friend. A friendship that seemed to have blossomed so quickly. Chatting with him was always nice. Time seemed to fly by and tiredness disappears when he was with me. It was no different yesterday. Until, my comments on religion. Although I'm very particular not to reveal my views on sensitive issues escape without warning, it sometimes just spills out. He was probably offended by my remark. This possibility was enough to make me more cautious. The next hitch in the conversation occurred a few minutes later. This time, I was at the receiving end. The one issue that hits me at the most vulnerable spot is 'Coming Out'. A simple response from him created a storm in my head. I began questioning whether I was being a coward seeking excuses for not confronting the reality. This did take its toll on the conversation. Despite conscious efforts, I was unable to get my mind off this question. As usual, it lasted until a larger more confusing question began bothering me.
This was probably the reason. My attempts to suppress this thought had resulted in the acceptance of this leading to the sorrow I experienced.
I was almost certain this was the reason. I was walking towards the wash after keeping my poori plate in one of the corner tables with a better view and little human activity. On my way back, I realized that my plate was empty I was beginning to suspect that somebody had mistook my plate to be theirs and had eaten it. That was until I saw my poori. It was in the hands of a macaque, eating it hurriedly. I would have laughed watching this if it had not been something I bought with my money. I was going to buy another plate when all those thoughts came rushing back. This time it was not convincing enough. It has to be wrong. The unrelated incident involving a macaque and my poori had influenced me so much that something that seemed to convincing appeared to unlikely and almost improbable. (You don't have to tell me this. I know its strange!!!)
My mind (which I believe is quite imaginative....... in some strange way... even though many, I know seem to think otherwise!) had come up with other equally strong hypotheses.
The next probable reason involves another friend and another of those most cruel feelings. I had my hands full (quite literally!) when I received his message. He was waiting for me outside the building. The thought of keeping him waiting bothered me so much that I decided to cut short my work hoping that whatever I had done was enough to give me a good result. I hurried outside to meet him about 30 minutes after I saw his message. Walking out of the building I was in, I realized that, for him, waiting for me did not mean sitting there doing nothing expecting me to come out and wondering whats that important work that's worth making him wait. Instead it involved chatting with his other friends. Laughing at my ability to come to very quick conclusions (assumptions?) with little inputs, I approached him. As soon as he saw me, he bid good bye to the girl he was talking to and came to me. He thought I had come out after finishing all my work. He was leading me to the usual place where we talk (rather discuss.) He probably got my nonverbal hints that I'm not interested in walking all the way to that part of the campus. It took me an hour to get back to the work I was doing. That's when it occurred to me that the 'important discussion' that he wanted to have with me was not all that important. Definitely not worth cutting short my work. Now, the inevitable consequence... doubts about whether my decision was correct. Will I get good result? More I thought about it, more I convinced myself that I should have excused myself from the meeting.
These thoughts quickly transformed into a 'pseudo guilt' that's as worse as the real one. I knew I made a mistake and I was not completely sincere to what I was doing. This lack of sincerity would be reflected in my results. This was good enough to make feel guilty even before I saw the results. My instincts were quite sure that it will not be perfect. And, I'm responsible for this imperfection.
This hypothesis of mine had surfaced while walking back to the department building. It only made things worse. And, my final result was not good enough.
My exploration continued at the bus stop. Waiting for the bus, the usual thoughts of 'why MTC is so stingy that they ply few buses in my route?', 'should I take a snap of this beautiful tree at least today?' and 'isn't that guy the cutest?'.... were replaced by the process of identifying which one of these hypotheses was more plausible. This process turned out to be more destructive... taking me further down the ocean of this non-existent sorrow.
Only then did it dawn on me that I had taken up this exercise to get some grip over the situation and not to get myself strangled with such suffocating thoughts. I decided to take a different approach to tackle the issue. Its better to take my mind out of all this rather than trying to identify the elusive source of this virtual sadness.
There was music to rescue me from the agony. I guess it was Le Chale which kept me afloat. Every time I hear this song play, it fills my heart with the vital hope.
Nothing is more enjoyable than a carefree stroll on the sand along the beach. Excusing myself from the crowd, I managed to steal myself some privacy and ended up sitting on the sands watching the calm sea. Although it was around noon, it was quite bearable. After spending some 30 minutes trying to figure out what to think, I decided to stroll along the beach. The stretch was deserted except for a few crabs busy feeding on something invisible.
The breeze and just the might of the ocean melts all your worries and gives you hope and reasons to be happy.
My second stroll of the day was in that late afternoon and people had started coming out of the shadow of the trees. It was not so 'private' as there were strangers between me and the sea. I found this interesting as well. This time, I don't have to think too much to decide what I wanted to think about.
There were a few groups of men taking bath. Most of them were no-so-good-looking. A few were. I did not want to watch them explicitly, and I was able to look at these guys only for a second or two...
What attracted my attention was a group where one guy was lying covered by sand all over him. One of the guys had made a cone over his crotch. Another guy walked over and sat on the cone... Laughing all the while. These guys did not look too good and it was not worth spending my time watching them.
A few hours later, I was at the other end of the beach. Apparently, it was time for the local guys to get drunk. We were about to start when we saw a few of these men walking around talking nonsense. They did not bother us except for their annoying presence.
These guys again were not that good. But, for one. He seemed to be in his senses. He was with a guy who was totally intoxicated. This guy was wearing briefs and it was just too revealing. I thought I could make out his bulge... Unfortunately, I could not catch more than a glimpse of this 'sight'.
What I enjoyed for a long time however was the guy who was with me. He was just another guy in the crowd I was in. The first day I saw him, I knew I will like him. (Those small lips and cute chin reminds me of someone I had crush for more than 2 years... ) He was the perfect example of a 'nattu kattai'. His Tamil is so macho and betrays his village/small town upbringing. It makes him more sexy. I loved being with him. He was enjoying himself in the ocean. The turbulent waves were fueling his energy. He had removed his shirt and his white vest was almost transparent. His broad chest and bulging biceps and those chest hairs peeping from underneath the fabric were making him even sexier. The sight of him playing with the water is unforgettable.
Wish I could see more of him!
It is definitely not a good idea to get attracted to your classmate. Unfortunately, its not easy. Especially when you have to spend a lot of time with him. And, when he has those hypnotizing eyes and charming smile. His wrist covered with drops of perspiration with tiredness in his breath and masculine aura around him, will only make it tougher to resist your temptations.
I did succumb to the temptation. I had been trying too hard to avoid distractions especially since I found myself working with him on a couple of assignments. All my attempts at picturing him as just another guy and as someone who does not fit into my fantasies, were not successful.
It is becoming impossible to stop my eyes from wandering all over his body.
It was a sultry Saturday afternoon. We had to wait for a couple of hours. He dozed off sitting on a chair. He was wearing blue jeans. I tried to wake him up before somebody spots him sleeping there. He was not too keen on staying awake. He was looking at my notebook that contained something I had wanted him to see. He was trying to figure out what is it that I found so interesting. While he was looking at the notebook, my eyes fell on his lap. Thats when I realized that he was not as lean as I thought he was. His thighs looked great. Involuntarily, my eyes moved ahead and stopped at his crotch. His tight jeans made it more attractive. Standing beside him, pretending to look at the notebook that he was peering into... was the best position. It did not last long. But, those few seconds were good enough to unlock all those carnal desires that I had suppressed in my mind for more than a year now.
From that day on, he has become the major source of distraction for me. It was not troubling until a few days back when I found myself getting upset just because he did not talk to me properly.
He was sitting next to me yesterday. His face was too close to mine. Every time I tried to look at the blackboard, I would see his face. With his slightly overgrown stubble complimenting his charming smile, he was too sexy yesterday. The proximity forced me to lose myself in the world of fantasies rather than concentrate on what I was expected to do in the class.
I don't want another crush...
Hmmm....... It seems that he has got himself into the list already!
Walking along the pavement in the campus during lunch can be quite interesting. Your eyes get to see more than the usual numbers of 'hotties'. This is true... independant of your sexuality.
With my straight friend by my side, I was going towards the cafeteria when I found myself looking at a guy standing near his bike at the far end of the road. Within seconds I realized that my friend could easily spot me looking at this guy. What I didn't realize at the moment was that his eyes were busy scanning the other side of the road. While I was checking out the guy he was checking out girls.
What makes this interesting is that while I tried hard not to let him know what I was looking at, he showed no such inhibitions. This is a huge price that one has to pay to remain in the closet.
Sometimes, its tiring and frustrating to constantly hide your true feelings from those around you. More I get closer to my straight friends more I realize their openness about their sexuality. They have no problems admiring members of the opposite sex and letting others know about it. It is all the more irritating when I am expected to join
them.
It is tempting to get myself into the crowd by extending my pretentious act and try to convince them that 'I am like them'.
Living in a straight world is not all that easy!!!
This is not the first time I am watching My Brother Nikhil. And, this is not the first time I am feeling overwhelmed!
Spectacular performances, wonderful cast, perfectly etched characters, and profoundly touching story....... I don't know which of these makes me classify this movie as one of the best movies I had seen. Although I have this rather irritating habit of finding mistakes, I just couldn't get myself to do that with this movie. Thats probably because this is one of the very few main stream movies that deal with homosexuality and homosexual relationships.
Its not just my prejudice thats responsible for this interest I show in this movie. More important are the thoughts that fill up my mind. Those fears that it evokes in my heart.
The fear of getting rejected by your loved ones... The fear of being alone...
Although I do not identify myself with any of the characters, I did find how real they were... or rather how real they appeared to be... I can very easily understand what the protagonist was going through.
From a positive perspective, the movie was all about love. Its one of the very few movies that portrays love between a brother and a sister so beautifully. (Juhi chawla was marvelous.)
More beautiful was "love between men". There are so many films that revolves around boy-girl romance... This was way beyond these mediocre creations. It was a lovely portrayal of true love!!!
It was more than a year since I watched this movie and it was as fresh as it was when I saw that for the first time. Only difference was that I had my parents sitting with me this time...
Fortunately, (or unfortunately) they showed no interest. They were hardly aware of what or who the story was about. Resisting my temptation to share what I feel, I was trying my best to stop myself from deriving connections between the real me and the reel characters in the movie. It was not easy. Especially, when I am highly conscious of the fact that those closest to me, know very little about me. It was also difficult to stop myself from telling them why he was suffering and what he was going through on screen. In fact, I was waiting for a hint (even a slightest one) from them... But, they were waiting for me to switch off the TV!!! Its not that I blame them. After all, the movie was not in Tamil for them to easily understand...
I wonder how they would have reacted if they had known what the movie was all about... if they had known that those tender affection the two men shared in several scenes was more than just friendship...
I better stop imagining......
