Before Strangeness Took Over...

Craig is probably the only one in the (real) world who knows me so well.

Thanks to the countless hours of conversations during those leisure walks along the avenues of the campus, he knows what my stand is on every issue in the world. He has also been the witness to the evolution of my thoughts in some of these issues. What was so stunning was my preparedness to open out to him.

Keeping all thoughts to myself for so many years and suffering from the resulting claustrophobia, I felt greatly relieved to have someone listen to me so sincerely. It was also reassuring to know that he respects my views even if it almost always contradicts his!

From premarital sex to energy conservation he knows what I think about everything. Although his opinions cannot be anything but conservative, he does not mind hearing the exact opposite from me. Even better he would try to see I make sense to him. However, in most cases, he would stick to his stand. I exercised this fast-becoming habit of sharing my thoughts about virtually everything under the sun, diligently with the excuse that it will help me assess myself better and give me a chance to look at the issue from a different perspective.

Until recently, there was just one topic that remained away from our conversation. It was perhaps the most sensitive and the most significant in my personal life. It was homosexuality.

There were two reasons for my reluctance.
One... He has his thoughts so strongly rooted in what people call 'culture' and 'tradition'.

Two... I was very unsure as to whether I can handle a topic as sensitive as homosexuality. I did encounter a situation where I messed up so badly that I was not ready to do it again.

My tendency to avoid confrontations that make me uncomfortable was so strong that I effectively kept the skeletons of my sexuality well-hidden in the closet ensuring that our conversations never get anywhere close to alternate sexuality. This had been the case until that last week. It was then that I was forced to face him with the issue. A weird event shattered the barriers I had set for keeping myself well-protected in the safe zone.

Another Human in My Space

Almost 2 years ago, Craig called me on my mobile and introduced himself as a friend of Michael. His rustic, yet humble voice was actually sweet and I was eager to see this guy in person. For some unknown (and unexplainable) reason, I restrained myself from taking him into my world of fantasies.

He wanted me to help him figure out whether to join my department or another in the institute where I study. With Michael away and inaccessible due to some reasons, he got in touch with me during the admission process. While I tried my best to give him the honest picture, I hoped he would choose my department. Just as I wished, he joined my department and I became his senior. However, this happened a few months after our first telephone conversation. Meanwhile, he started attending classes at the other department where he got himself admitted. During this period, I got to know that Craig was not really a friend of Michael. They had known each other only through a 'friend of a friend' and they had not seen or talked to each other before.

It was also during this period that I got an opportunity to see him in person. He had come to my campus to meet a professor. Michael and I were together when he arrived and we went to meet him. For me, it was a surprise seeing a short and slightly built guy. I expected the guy with such a soft and melodious voice to be a bit lean and slightly taller (more like Michael). Seeing Michael and me walking towards him, his eyes clearly betrayed that he mistook Michael to be me. Later, I found out that he had expected a formally dressed, lean and tall guy. A description that Michael fits into very well and I am just the opposite.

After the first meeting we did not get a chance to talk to each other for some time. That was until he decided to quit his classes in that department and join mine. I must admit, I was happy for his decision. I wanted him to be around. Although he has all that would make him attractive, I did not find him "interesting". Neither did I try too hard to understand the obvious contradiction.

In spite of studying in the same campus, our schedules made sure that I got very few opportunities to spend time with him. I was not complaining either. However, the moments we did spend together during his first year laid foundation for a stronger bond.

A year later, we found ourselves free most of the time. This coupled to his straining relationships with some of his other friends made it easy for us to frequently go for short walks across the campus. The discussions during these leisure walks centered around science. Within a short while, the topics of the conversations began drifting away from science and into people and life.

At the beginning, I found myself listening more and talking less. It took me a couple of months to share my opinions on various issues without any hesitation. The moments I spent talking to him grew longer and longer. Strength of the bond holding us together grew stronger proportionally. By this time, I could very easily identify him as a good friend. For anybody to reach this space in my personal hierarchy was quite tough.

Then, it became clear to me why I did not find him "hot"... I had been spontaneously guarding the brotherly love and friendship I share with him and protecting it from lust.

Craig is probably the only one in the (real) world who knows me so well.

Monogamy and Me...

Talking about sexuality and 'being gay' without any inhibitions to someone face-to-face is one activity that I am eagerly waiting to do for many years now. I am yet to indulge in such a conversation away from the virtual world. And, I have not experienced the pleasure of spending hours and hours talking about nothing with that special someone under a tree or while walking along the beach refusing to accept that anything other than the two of us exists in this world, and it continues to remain an unfulfilled dream.

However, my tendency to talk to myself (not literally!) had helped me identify how I would want my life to be... especially the part concerning love. If I find a guy with whom I decide to share the rest of my life with, driven by mutual admiration and love..., how much space will I give him? and how flexible will I allow the relationship to be? These are questions I had no problems answering until a few months back.

Now, I am beginning to rethink as I understand more about myself. I used to believe firmly that I was not possessive. I knew for sure that I was tolerant. What I didn't realize then was the fact that this assessment required a more profound analysis.

I now understand that I may find the idea of 'open relationship' very difficult to adjust with. It may become difficult for me to imagine that the guy I love is getting close with another person. It may even drive me crazy. Contrary to my earlier beliefs, may be... I am just like any other guy!!! A guy who cannot stand his partner finding intimacy with another person... who finds it impossible to imagine his partner finding physical/sexual/emotional joy with someone else... who wants his partner all for himself...

I do not advocate for or against monogamy in a relationship and neither am I going to make my choice. I am only interested in the process. The process of uncovering where I really stand on issues that concern me the most. The issues I'm dealing with and the ones I imagine I may face in the future.

Like in many other cases, Michael had a role to play in this... (without his knowledge!) I had described how he had been the cause of my frustrations with myself for the past few months. Well, it was not fair to blame just him. There is one other person who deserves it. (How reluctant I am to put this person together with him even here!!!)

This other person (lets call her Saina...) is another student in my class. I am going to try and reduce the space I give in this blog describing events around her. She is a close friend of Michael. It seems to me that he cannot stop himself from telling her everything. When I look at the way they keep 'fighting' when they are together makes me wonder whether there is more to their friendship than whats apparent. Although I found such activities annoying, such thoughts never bothered me until a few months back. Thats when I began considering him to be suitable for being in the closest of my hierarchical spheres... reserved only for my best friends. The space, which I guard the most. It was the time I encouraged myself to see beyond the veil and shed my ideas of what makes a man attractive (may be just to accommodate him!). Things became more confusing as I never managed to find him trustworthy of becoming anything more than a 'friend'. And, lust soon overtook the proceedings complicating things further. And, the result.... Frustrations... Anger!!

What is Saina's role? She was fanning the frustration in me. All she had to do was smile. I found that so fake that I even contemplated telling her to stop it. You can only imagine how it would be when I see her 'flirting' with him. More so, when I see that he was looking for just that! You think I am jealous? Well, I certainly think so!

This is where I am. It is true that I have a crush on him and I find him attractive. But, he is not trustworthy... I do not know him much... He is very clearly straight... and I know for sure that I will never get any closer with him... YET..... I cannot stand to see him spending more time with another person.

Should I eliminate all doubts and get convinced that it will be impossible for me to see 'my guy' getting closer to someone else? Or, should I consider the role of unreasonable hope I harboured within myself and the uncertainty visibly surrounding it to be more significant? If I were to choose the latter, I guess I need to wait for a situation where the place of Michael will be taken up by that someone whom I trust entirely!

Quite naturally, I choose to wait...

Alone Again...!

When expectations subside, reason surfaces...(?)

The time I spend thinking about him has come down. He is no longer the epicentre of my fantasies. His presence is not what I long for any more. His attention is not the most precious gift I expect to be showered with all the time.

Yet, I am not happy.

The void his thoughts left behind is very much empty...

He's Back...

Michael is back in the city but the feelings I had for him are not...

Distance was definitely an important reason for this improvement. Concerns relating to my studies also kept me occupied and ensured that his memories are wiped off my mind (at least from the surface) in the first few months. Subsequently, I identified his potential replacements. Before developing any strong bond with one of them, I had to come back to the Chennai myself.

Now that he is back (only for about a month), it will be interesting to see how things change.

Close yet Unreachable!

There he was... right in front of me, tired of boredom, his slumberous eyes exuding lethargy and oodles of charm. The few meters of space separating us, seemed like a few kilometers.

From where I was seated, my eyes had unrestricted access to his back. And, they don't usually let go off such an opportunity.





His words, "Lets sleep..." resonated endlessly in my mind. Unable to give up my tendency to attach fictional meanings to words with little reason and more imagination, I had begun fantasizing about the possibility of actually sleeping with him... right there..! Thanks to my classmates for keeping themselves busy, I was able to remain in my fantasy world with Michael for sometime.

An unexpected disturbance was all it required to help me realize that that was not the right place for such activities. I forced myself to walking out of the room. Looking back, I wish that glass wall crumbles. I can only wish...

From 'Hi' to 'Good night'...

Expectations--> Disappointment--> Frustration--> Anger

Thanks to Michael, I have learned this lesson a hundred times over.

Talking to him in the presence of a mutual friend is something I don't generally enjoy much. But hey... something is better than nothing. So, there I was unwilling to leave the campus and miss an opportunity (however bad that was!) to just talk to him. Throughout the conversation, I could sense a kind of unease in him. Mysteriously, thats one thing I enjoy watching. The vulnerability in his brown eyes was so vivid. It was as if he was trying too hard to hold up the falling fortress within which he had been protecting himself.

It was getting darker. The short chat had to come to an end. He said he will be coming to the college the day after. I wanted to be there. Especially because, I believed that would give the kind of privacy I could never get on any other day. Most of the 'mutual friends' will be absent from the scene! (Fortunately, I found that my belief/assumption was baseless. Why is that fortunate? Read on...)

I must admit. I was excited about this meeting. (Now that I think about it, it seems so silly!) I was thinking of reasons why I should talk to him that day. This search for topics-of-discussion ended abruptly when I received a text message from him saying that he is leaving the campus. That was when I was about 30 minutes away from where he was. I could not possibly stop him. I was upset. It was just that it took me some time to realize how much this had actually affected me. On reaching the college, I began feeling it.

Walking to the library, I saw the place where we were chatting the other day. (did I hear my expectations fall to the ground?... hey ... it had already shattered to pieces! that must be something else!!!)

For him, being with me was not as important as being with him was for me. That was pretty clear. He did not even care to wait for a few more minutes to say a "hi". It simply did not matter to him. With such thoughts hovering around in my mind, I could hardly understand why fibers of coiled-coils are so special! Eventually, my anger was redirected at Woolfson for his poor attempt at explaining whatever it was he tried explaining in his chapter/book. Unable to bear it anymore, I had to get out of the library. Finding the canteen closed, I had to spend the evening with an empty stomach without even a tea!

Unfortunately, hunger helps little in such situations. It certainly was efficient in helping fan my temper. If hunger was a catalyst, the cool breeze blowing over my face was an effective inhibitor. Also, a crowd-free campus coupled with the sweet noise of tree branches rassling with the wind can be pretty soothing at times. I decided to try just that. However, the process proved to be more resilient and it was well beyond any control. I had completely lost control over my tempers.

I was angry.

Coming home in the evening provided a little relief. That was until my mobile service provider decided to give me more reasons to worry. Being prone to irritations was a perfect impediment to a sound sleep. It didn't occur to me then... that decisions taken at such a moment often lead to more trouble. And, I ended up messaging him informing that he needed to get certain papers ready by Monday. Soon, came an "OK" for a reply.

Again, he chose to shatter my expectations (- striking a conversation before sleeping). Whats worse... he was apparently too busy to even say "Good night"!

Although, the anger was primarily directed at him. I understand that it was mainly due to my frustrations. Frustrations stemming from my conviction that I am unable to root out his thoughts from that part of my personal sphere, which I should have reserved only for that 'special someone'.

Goodbye!

After 17 days of the birth of new year, it is probably a bit too late to bid good bye to 2008. As they say... better late than never. :-)

"It was just another year... nothing special" I said, in response to a friend's question on how the year was on its last day. It did not take me too long to realize that this assessment was incorrect. However, I chose not to let him know what went through in my mind as he continued to say why the year was important for him.

Looking back and analyzing more carefully this time, I find many reasons why my earlier statement was wrong. Things changed quite drastically last year. The most significant lesson I learned in 2008 was that human beings are complicated!

Forming new friendships, breaking a few and strengthening some, 2008 made me understand the interdependence that is at the core of our existence in this society. I had spent most of my free time in introspection. Now, I can very clearly say that I know very little about myself.