Monogamy and Me...

Talking about sexuality and 'being gay' without any inhibitions to someone face-to-face is one activity that I am eagerly waiting to do for many years now. I am yet to indulge in such a conversation away from the virtual world. And, I have not experienced the pleasure of spending hours and hours talking about nothing with that special someone under a tree or while walking along the beach refusing to accept that anything other than the two of us exists in this world, and it continues to remain an unfulfilled dream.

However, my tendency to talk to myself (not literally!) had helped me identify how I would want my life to be... especially the part concerning love. If I find a guy with whom I decide to share the rest of my life with, driven by mutual admiration and love..., how much space will I give him? and how flexible will I allow the relationship to be? These are questions I had no problems answering until a few months back.

Now, I am beginning to rethink as I understand more about myself. I used to believe firmly that I was not possessive. I knew for sure that I was tolerant. What I didn't realize then was the fact that this assessment required a more profound analysis.

I now understand that I may find the idea of 'open relationship' very difficult to adjust with. It may become difficult for me to imagine that the guy I love is getting close with another person. It may even drive me crazy. Contrary to my earlier beliefs, may be... I am just like any other guy!!! A guy who cannot stand his partner finding intimacy with another person... who finds it impossible to imagine his partner finding physical/sexual/emotional joy with someone else... who wants his partner all for himself...

I do not advocate for or against monogamy in a relationship and neither am I going to make my choice. I am only interested in the process. The process of uncovering where I really stand on issues that concern me the most. The issues I'm dealing with and the ones I imagine I may face in the future.

Like in many other cases, Michael had a role to play in this... (without his knowledge!) I had described how he had been the cause of my frustrations with myself for the past few months. Well, it was not fair to blame just him. There is one other person who deserves it. (How reluctant I am to put this person together with him even here!!!)

This other person (lets call her Saina...) is another student in my class. I am going to try and reduce the space I give in this blog describing events around her. She is a close friend of Michael. It seems to me that he cannot stop himself from telling her everything. When I look at the way they keep 'fighting' when they are together makes me wonder whether there is more to their friendship than whats apparent. Although I found such activities annoying, such thoughts never bothered me until a few months back. Thats when I began considering him to be suitable for being in the closest of my hierarchical spheres... reserved only for my best friends. The space, which I guard the most. It was the time I encouraged myself to see beyond the veil and shed my ideas of what makes a man attractive (may be just to accommodate him!). Things became more confusing as I never managed to find him trustworthy of becoming anything more than a 'friend'. And, lust soon overtook the proceedings complicating things further. And, the result.... Frustrations... Anger!!

What is Saina's role? She was fanning the frustration in me. All she had to do was smile. I found that so fake that I even contemplated telling her to stop it. You can only imagine how it would be when I see her 'flirting' with him. More so, when I see that he was looking for just that! You think I am jealous? Well, I certainly think so!

This is where I am. It is true that I have a crush on him and I find him attractive. But, he is not trustworthy... I do not know him much... He is very clearly straight... and I know for sure that I will never get any closer with him... YET..... I cannot stand to see him spending more time with another person.

Should I eliminate all doubts and get convinced that it will be impossible for me to see 'my guy' getting closer to someone else? Or, should I consider the role of unreasonable hope I harboured within myself and the uncertainty visibly surrounding it to be more significant? If I were to choose the latter, I guess I need to wait for a situation where the place of Michael will be taken up by that someone whom I trust entirely!

Quite naturally, I choose to wait...