Unreal

I was coming out of the library when I saw someone walking out of the shopping complex. I was able to recognize her almost immediately. She was one of the few people who helped me survive the transition from a student to an employee. For some reason, I felt uneasy being there. May be, I did not want her to see me outside a library. It was probably because I never discussed with her about my decision to quit the company and going back to text-books. However, I did not try too hard to hide myself. The discomfort in the mind had not seeped into my body completely. And, I was sitting right there. She did not notice me and went with another woman she had come there with.

I do not remember what I was waiting for near the library's entrance. As I walked to the bus stop, I began wondering how my life would have changed if I had not made that decision. Now that I think about it, most of the thoughts don't make much sense. I was probably considering the possibility of getting back to the same juncture after a slightly longer detour.

Getting into the bus, I sat in one of the vacant seats and tried to take money out of my pocket. That was when I remembered that I had previously decided not to go to college that day. I was not sure whether to get the ticket or get down. The conductor was at the other end. I had to decide quickly. I got down the bus. Looking around, I realized that this was not the same as the one where I got the bus. I couldn't believe that it took me so much time that the bus reached the next stop. Now, I needed to find my way back.

I saw a group of people sitting at the other end of the long platform at the bus stop. I walked towards them hoping that the road would lead me to the main road where I would find the stop. Walking towards them, I realized they were eating. They looked like a family of daily laborers. May be they were a just group of laborers of different generations. Isn't it obvious that my eyes were more interested in the young men! There were two well built guys squatting close to the platform with their plates in their hands. To my right was the rest of the group which had an old man, a few middle aged men and if I remember correctly, an old woman. The guys were not exactly good-looking. The masculine 'aura' around them was just too strong. I saw them looking at me as I walked towards them. Although it was a platform I was walking on, I felt like an intruder trespassing into their territory.

I managed to walk past them without disturbing any of their belongings that were lying scattered around on the road. Something made me turn around. I could feel that they had noticed me turn towards them. Realizing that this awkwardness of the situation can be removed if I ask them how to get to the bus stop, I approached them. I ended up asking the guys and the old man who was now standing almost intimidated and pretending not to be. Strangely I asked them in English with hand gestures. Before I could question my choice of language, I heard someone else(one of the middle-aged men) gave me the directions that I did not understand. One of the guys realized it and interfered. He was very well composed and told me to go straight and take left... I could not take anything more than that. My sense of directions is the worst. Now, it was the old man's turn to interfere. He looked at ease now. He looked at me and said the same thing in what sounded like Malayalam with words like 'straight', 'left' and 'right' intact. I was more relaxed now and responded to him in Tamil.

I could see something strange in the face of the old man as he continued. The suspicion stemmed from the fact that his directions had become too confusing and too long. The anxiety was back again and this time I knew what it meant. I needed to get out of that place. I don't remember whether I thanked them but started walking. All I knew by then was that I had to go straight and take left. It was a narrow street. I could hear some commotion back there. I was not sure if thats my imagination, but I thought I heard the old man tell the two guys, "why did you let him go". This was accompanied by a flash of the two men standing tall and strong before the frail old man looking at me.

I started walking fast. I did not want to look back to check whether I'm being followed. The narrow street had ended and I saw a still narrower street to my left. I had started running. A woman carrying a huge load of brooms was coming towards me. As she saw me, she gave me enough space to squeeze myself between the stone wall and brooms.

Soon after, the street turned right and gave me less than a minute to choose between two roads, yet again. I took the one to my left. Once there, I seemed to recognize the place. I did not waste time when I had come to that place before. My legs seemed to know where to go. After, what felt like a few minutes, I was at the top of a spiral staircase. I have absolutely no idea how I got there. I knew for sure that I did not jump across buildings like Spider man!

I climbed down the stairs so quickly that I did not even feel dizzy. I found what appeared to be a burrow. It seemed to be the best thing to do to protect myself from the danger. I ran deep into the channel and when I could see the end of the tunnel, a huge hand came towards me. I bit it furiously as it tried to grab me. The whole of my body. The next moment, I was out of the tunnel. But, in the hands of someone. Someone so huge that his palm was bigger than me. I was lowered down to a place I recognize better. I felt at ease. I was set free. Seeing the glass cage on one side and the rest of 'my' world on the other, I felt more secure.

I became more aware of where I was. The sounds slowly started trickling in. I could feel myself moving on my bed. It was only after I opened my eyes did I realize that I was at the safety of my home... with a book on DNA by my side and my mind full of thoughts.

This mid-day dream betrayed my anxieties. Whats interesting and what made it so significant was the fact that this dream was so vivid. All my insecurities, fears and anxieties were exposed in this one dream. What I could not understand though was what I saw or rather felt during the last few minutes... the transition into the real world from the unreal.

Sadness(?) & my (silly) specualtions

Yesterday was one of those bad days. Every minute of the day was spent drowning slowly in the sea of sorrow that does not exist.

I was not ready to let this one go unexplained like many other mysteries that are surrounding me. Exploring the possible reasons, I walked down the corridor towards the campus canteen. It did not take me much time to zero in on the first possibility.

It was the online conversation with a new friend. A friendship that seemed to have blossomed so quickly. Chatting with him was always nice. Time seemed to fly by and tiredness disappears when he was with me. It was no different yesterday. Until, my comments on religion. Although I'm very particular not to reveal my views on sensitive issues escape without warning, it sometimes just spills out. He was probably offended by my remark. This possibility was enough to make me more cautious. The next hitch in the conversation occurred a few minutes later. This time, I was at the receiving end. The one issue that hits me at the most vulnerable spot is 'Coming Out'. A simple response from him created a storm in my head. I began questioning whether I was being a coward seeking excuses for not confronting the reality. This did take its toll on the conversation. Despite conscious efforts, I was unable to get my mind off this question. As usual, it lasted until a larger more confusing question began bothering me.

This was probably the reason. My attempts to suppress this thought had resulted in the acceptance of this leading to the sorrow I experienced.

I was almost certain this was the reason. I was walking towards the wash after keeping my poori plate in one of the corner tables with a better view and little human activity. On my way back, I realized that my plate was empty I was beginning to suspect that somebody had mistook my plate to be theirs and had eaten it. That was until I saw my poori. It was in the hands of a macaque, eating it hurriedly. I would have laughed watching this if it had not been something I bought with my money. I was going to buy another plate when all those thoughts came rushing back. This time it was not convincing enough. It has to be wrong. The unrelated incident involving a macaque and my poori had influenced me so much that something that seemed to convincing appeared to unlikely and almost improbable. (You don't have to tell me this. I know its strange!!!)

My mind (which I believe is quite imaginative....... in some strange way... even though many, I know seem to think otherwise!) had come up with other equally strong hypotheses.

The next probable reason involves another friend and another of those most cruel feelings. I had my hands full (quite literally!) when I received his message. He was waiting for me outside the building. The thought of keeping him waiting bothered me so much that I decided to cut short my work hoping that whatever I had done was enough to give me a good result. I hurried outside to meet him about 30 minutes after I saw his message. Walking out of the building I was in, I realized that, for him, waiting for me did not mean sitting there doing nothing expecting me to come out and wondering whats that important work that's worth making him wait. Instead it involved chatting with his other friends. Laughing at my ability to come to very quick conclusions (assumptions?) with little inputs, I approached him. As soon as he saw me, he bid good bye to the girl he was talking to and came to me. He thought I had come out after finishing all my work. He was leading me to the usual place where we talk (rather discuss.) He probably got my nonverbal hints that I'm not interested in walking all the way to that part of the campus. It took me an hour to get back to the work I was doing. That's when it occurred to me that the 'important discussion' that he wanted to have with me was not all that important. Definitely not worth cutting short my work. Now, the inevitable consequence... doubts about whether my decision was correct. Will I get good result? More I thought about it, more I convinced myself that I should have excused myself from the meeting.

These thoughts quickly transformed into a 'pseudo guilt' that's as worse as the real one. I knew I made a mistake and I was not completely sincere to what I was doing. This lack of sincerity would be reflected in my results. This was good enough to make feel guilty even before I saw the results. My instincts were quite sure that it will not be perfect. And, I'm responsible for this imperfection.

This hypothesis of mine had surfaced while walking back to the department building. It only made things worse. And, my final result was not good enough.

My exploration continued at the bus stop. Waiting for the bus, the usual thoughts of 'why MTC is so stingy that they ply few buses in my route?', 'should I take a snap of this beautiful tree at least today?' and 'isn't that guy the cutest?'.... were replaced by the process of identifying which one of these hypotheses was more plausible. This process turned out to be more destructive... taking me further down the ocean of this non-existent sorrow.

Only then did it dawn on me that I had taken up this exercise to get some grip over the situation and not to get myself strangled with such suffocating thoughts. I decided to take a different approach to tackle the issue. Its better to take my mind out of all this rather than trying to identify the elusive source of this virtual sadness.

There was music to rescue me from the agony. I guess it was Le Chale which kept me afloat. Every time I hear this song play, it fills my heart with the vital hope.

Morning sight

I saw this cute  guy walking leisurely to the bus stop. My gaydar picked up something that was too interesting to be noise. The way he sat next to the autoguy only strengthed it further.
People say, most gays wear ring in their left ear? I hope it is true.