Sadness(?) & my (silly) specualtions

Yesterday was one of those bad days. Every minute of the day was spent drowning slowly in the sea of sorrow that does not exist.

I was not ready to let this one go unexplained like many other mysteries that are surrounding me. Exploring the possible reasons, I walked down the corridor towards the campus canteen. It did not take me much time to zero in on the first possibility.

It was the online conversation with a new friend. A friendship that seemed to have blossomed so quickly. Chatting with him was always nice. Time seemed to fly by and tiredness disappears when he was with me. It was no different yesterday. Until, my comments on religion. Although I'm very particular not to reveal my views on sensitive issues escape without warning, it sometimes just spills out. He was probably offended by my remark. This possibility was enough to make me more cautious. The next hitch in the conversation occurred a few minutes later. This time, I was at the receiving end. The one issue that hits me at the most vulnerable spot is 'Coming Out'. A simple response from him created a storm in my head. I began questioning whether I was being a coward seeking excuses for not confronting the reality. This did take its toll on the conversation. Despite conscious efforts, I was unable to get my mind off this question. As usual, it lasted until a larger more confusing question began bothering me.

This was probably the reason. My attempts to suppress this thought had resulted in the acceptance of this leading to the sorrow I experienced.

I was almost certain this was the reason. I was walking towards the wash after keeping my poori plate in one of the corner tables with a better view and little human activity. On my way back, I realized that my plate was empty I was beginning to suspect that somebody had mistook my plate to be theirs and had eaten it. That was until I saw my poori. It was in the hands of a macaque, eating it hurriedly. I would have laughed watching this if it had not been something I bought with my money. I was going to buy another plate when all those thoughts came rushing back. This time it was not convincing enough. It has to be wrong. The unrelated incident involving a macaque and my poori had influenced me so much that something that seemed to convincing appeared to unlikely and almost improbable. (You don't have to tell me this. I know its strange!!!)

My mind (which I believe is quite imaginative....... in some strange way... even though many, I know seem to think otherwise!) had come up with other equally strong hypotheses.

The next probable reason involves another friend and another of those most cruel feelings. I had my hands full (quite literally!) when I received his message. He was waiting for me outside the building. The thought of keeping him waiting bothered me so much that I decided to cut short my work hoping that whatever I had done was enough to give me a good result. I hurried outside to meet him about 30 minutes after I saw his message. Walking out of the building I was in, I realized that, for him, waiting for me did not mean sitting there doing nothing expecting me to come out and wondering whats that important work that's worth making him wait. Instead it involved chatting with his other friends. Laughing at my ability to come to very quick conclusions (assumptions?) with little inputs, I approached him. As soon as he saw me, he bid good bye to the girl he was talking to and came to me. He thought I had come out after finishing all my work. He was leading me to the usual place where we talk (rather discuss.) He probably got my nonverbal hints that I'm not interested in walking all the way to that part of the campus. It took me an hour to get back to the work I was doing. That's when it occurred to me that the 'important discussion' that he wanted to have with me was not all that important. Definitely not worth cutting short my work. Now, the inevitable consequence... doubts about whether my decision was correct. Will I get good result? More I thought about it, more I convinced myself that I should have excused myself from the meeting.

These thoughts quickly transformed into a 'pseudo guilt' that's as worse as the real one. I knew I made a mistake and I was not completely sincere to what I was doing. This lack of sincerity would be reflected in my results. This was good enough to make feel guilty even before I saw the results. My instincts were quite sure that it will not be perfect. And, I'm responsible for this imperfection.

This hypothesis of mine had surfaced while walking back to the department building. It only made things worse. And, my final result was not good enough.

My exploration continued at the bus stop. Waiting for the bus, the usual thoughts of 'why MTC is so stingy that they ply few buses in my route?', 'should I take a snap of this beautiful tree at least today?' and 'isn't that guy the cutest?'.... were replaced by the process of identifying which one of these hypotheses was more plausible. This process turned out to be more destructive... taking me further down the ocean of this non-existent sorrow.

Only then did it dawn on me that I had taken up this exercise to get some grip over the situation and not to get myself strangled with such suffocating thoughts. I decided to take a different approach to tackle the issue. Its better to take my mind out of all this rather than trying to identify the elusive source of this virtual sadness.

There was music to rescue me from the agony. I guess it was Le Chale which kept me afloat. Every time I hear this song play, it fills my heart with the vital hope.