Close yet Unreachable!

There he was... right in front of me, tired of boredom, his slumberous eyes exuding lethargy and oodles of charm. The few meters of space separating us, seemed like a few kilometers.

From where I was seated, my eyes had unrestricted access to his back. And, they don't usually let go off such an opportunity.





His words, "Lets sleep..." resonated endlessly in my mind. Unable to give up my tendency to attach fictional meanings to words with little reason and more imagination, I had begun fantasizing about the possibility of actually sleeping with him... right there..! Thanks to my classmates for keeping themselves busy, I was able to remain in my fantasy world with Michael for sometime.

An unexpected disturbance was all it required to help me realize that that was not the right place for such activities. I forced myself to walking out of the room. Looking back, I wish that glass wall crumbles. I can only wish...

From 'Hi' to 'Good night'...

Expectations--> Disappointment--> Frustration--> Anger

Thanks to Michael, I have learned this lesson a hundred times over.

Talking to him in the presence of a mutual friend is something I don't generally enjoy much. But hey... something is better than nothing. So, there I was unwilling to leave the campus and miss an opportunity (however bad that was!) to just talk to him. Throughout the conversation, I could sense a kind of unease in him. Mysteriously, thats one thing I enjoy watching. The vulnerability in his brown eyes was so vivid. It was as if he was trying too hard to hold up the falling fortress within which he had been protecting himself.

It was getting darker. The short chat had to come to an end. He said he will be coming to the college the day after. I wanted to be there. Especially because, I believed that would give the kind of privacy I could never get on any other day. Most of the 'mutual friends' will be absent from the scene! (Fortunately, I found that my belief/assumption was baseless. Why is that fortunate? Read on...)

I must admit. I was excited about this meeting. (Now that I think about it, it seems so silly!) I was thinking of reasons why I should talk to him that day. This search for topics-of-discussion ended abruptly when I received a text message from him saying that he is leaving the campus. That was when I was about 30 minutes away from where he was. I could not possibly stop him. I was upset. It was just that it took me some time to realize how much this had actually affected me. On reaching the college, I began feeling it.

Walking to the library, I saw the place where we were chatting the other day. (did I hear my expectations fall to the ground?... hey ... it had already shattered to pieces! that must be something else!!!)

For him, being with me was not as important as being with him was for me. That was pretty clear. He did not even care to wait for a few more minutes to say a "hi". It simply did not matter to him. With such thoughts hovering around in my mind, I could hardly understand why fibers of coiled-coils are so special! Eventually, my anger was redirected at Woolfson for his poor attempt at explaining whatever it was he tried explaining in his chapter/book. Unable to bear it anymore, I had to get out of the library. Finding the canteen closed, I had to spend the evening with an empty stomach without even a tea!

Unfortunately, hunger helps little in such situations. It certainly was efficient in helping fan my temper. If hunger was a catalyst, the cool breeze blowing over my face was an effective inhibitor. Also, a crowd-free campus coupled with the sweet noise of tree branches rassling with the wind can be pretty soothing at times. I decided to try just that. However, the process proved to be more resilient and it was well beyond any control. I had completely lost control over my tempers.

I was angry.

Coming home in the evening provided a little relief. That was until my mobile service provider decided to give me more reasons to worry. Being prone to irritations was a perfect impediment to a sound sleep. It didn't occur to me then... that decisions taken at such a moment often lead to more trouble. And, I ended up messaging him informing that he needed to get certain papers ready by Monday. Soon, came an "OK" for a reply.

Again, he chose to shatter my expectations (- striking a conversation before sleeping). Whats worse... he was apparently too busy to even say "Good night"!

Although, the anger was primarily directed at him. I understand that it was mainly due to my frustrations. Frustrations stemming from my conviction that I am unable to root out his thoughts from that part of my personal sphere, which I should have reserved only for that 'special someone'.

Goodbye!

After 17 days of the birth of new year, it is probably a bit too late to bid good bye to 2008. As they say... better late than never. :-)

"It was just another year... nothing special" I said, in response to a friend's question on how the year was on its last day. It did not take me too long to realize that this assessment was incorrect. However, I chose not to let him know what went through in my mind as he continued to say why the year was important for him.

Looking back and analyzing more carefully this time, I find many reasons why my earlier statement was wrong. Things changed quite drastically last year. The most significant lesson I learned in 2008 was that human beings are complicated!

Forming new friendships, breaking a few and strengthening some, 2008 made me understand the interdependence that is at the core of our existence in this society. I had spent most of my free time in introspection. Now, I can very clearly say that I know very little about myself.