From Lust to Anger...

Lust is not the only feeling I have for him. More often, its anger too.
It took just a small change in the day's plan (because of him) to make me go mad. Now that I think about it, my anger was probably the result of frustration. Frustration that finds its foundation in the fact he appears to be just too straight. This and my desperation had been troubling me for the the past few weeks.



A careless act from his side was all these emotions needed to get themselves out of the confines of my caged mind... after transforming themselves into the more familiar, acceptable and easily excusable... anger.

From Mukhundha to Mutham Tha!

Exploring the possibilities of a gay angle in the story of a masked super hero, I was listening to Michael's narration of the movie. Blame my mood, I couldn't help but notice his meandering eyes. They were restless. It appeared as if he was trying his best to look straight into my eyes. That's when I realized that my leisurely posture was giving him a direct view of my crotch. I did notice his eyes lingering around my crotch every now and then. Even a momentary glance should be sufficient to infuse curiosity in me.

All these thoughts in my head led to the usual consequence. An erection at that moment would definitely attract his attention even if my guesses were incorrect. And that was too risky. I decided to try and control myself. Obviously, it was not an easy job. While sustaining the conversation, I repositioned myself frequently so that any movements near my crotch remained unknown to him.

It was evident that he was thinking of something all the while. His narration of the story was not spectacular. Who cares!!! This is the first hint (sort of!) I got from him in 2 years. I was too busy watching his moves and following his eyes and the conversation was just a formality.

When I realized that his eyes were being dragged towards my body, I made sure those brown eyes have unrestricted access. A few minutes later, he turned towards me and put his right leg over the arm rest. Sitting at 90 degrees from him in a similar chair I could see his crotch more clearly. Was that a deliberate move...? Or was he just trying to get comfortable...?

The topic shifted from superhero to a local hero! I was telling him how bad the performance of the actor was in a song in his recent movie. I forgot the first few words and he tried to help me out.... The song was "Mukhunda Mukhunda..." I heard him say "Mutham Tha Mutham Tha..." (it literally means "kiss me"). I knew that's what I heard him say.... I was not sure whether I heard him correctly. And, the second time, he said "Mukhunda... Mukhunda... " Was that all my imagination? Or was that another hint?

The gay in me was quick to assume that they were hints to be taken seriously. However, there seems to be little logic in such an assumption. The fact that he is/acts too straight at all time makes the argument weaker. Hmmmm.... like many other issues, only time can help me!!!

Where do I stand?

Change is something I do not find easy to handle. The most significant of the changes will be the removal of this invisible boundary I have around myself. The shield I use to protect myself from the potential hostility of the society.

At this point, I am not too eager to take steps to get myself out of this self-imposed gaol. That doesn't mean I do not understand the importance of being honest with people I am close to. I do wish to experience the freedom that so many straight people take for granted in expressing their sexuality.

I have no intention of shouting from top of the world that I am gay. Coming out probably means letting ones I love, know what my orientation is. Once this becomes a reality, I guess I will care nothing about strangers. Until then, I wish to let my sexuality remains away from the view of people.

There were times when I feel so stupid for keeping this hidden from my family. Such moments are quite frequent nowadays. One such is when my mother quickly dismisses my denial to get married in the future. How badly I want her to understand that those were the words of truth!

Being Proud!

Gay Pride March displaying the different shades of sexuality in Indian Society


India saw its first gay pride march. Looking from within the closet, it was strange... I'm amazed at the courage of these people. Its not an easy job to stand up against this adamant ad intolerant society. There is no doubt that these marches will help people realize that this society does consist of a large number of individuals who do not identify as 'straight'. I'm not sure whether it will help change the situation further The common perception is that homosexuality is the result of westernization. Such parades may reinforce this misconception. On the other hand, something is better than nothing. Even if such parades manage to provoke a few individuals in the society, its good enough.