Words
I closed my eyes and sat down. I just did not know what I was feeling. Neither was I sure how I should respond. First, he lied to me about something for no apparent reason and two, he dismissed my questions on why he lied... even before I ask him. If it were someone else, I would have probably to cared too little and not bothered at all. Of course, he was not just anybody. It was Raj.
The last few days had been very enjoyable. I was having a great time with him. All those silly fights and arguments over nothing were bringing us closer. At least that was what I thought. Once, when a friend remarked that when she saw us sitting together that day, we looked like a couple. Such casual comments with no meaning had become quite usual. Although they were meant to be humorous, it used to feel really good hearing this friend of mine (who knows both of us quite well) speaks of us together in this manner. What's interesting about that particular comment was that when he heard her, he did not reject the possibility and made faces suggesting disgust, instead he pulled me towards him and put his arms around me holding me close while walking. I had never felt happy around him ever before.
The happiness did not prevail for a long time though. Within a few hours, we were in the middle of another argument when I unwittingly disturbed one of this experiments. This made him really angry. The hostility and anger I saw in his eyes brought me back to the earth and made me realize that I can never take the special place in his heart.
The cause of my joy was nothing but a farce.
One day later, there he was trying to be normal and jovial with me but the unable to do so. His words telling me to know my limits reverberating in my mind every time I see the anger in his eyes that he is trying to suppress. Are these not enough to push me into the same old spot where I find myself stifled by the frustrations and claustrophobia. This time though I resisted. I was not ready to go there. I wanted to let time take its course and heal the gap between us.
The hope was fast withering away and it was then that he came up with this lie, probably to ease some situation and calm me down or to prevent me from suspecting a friend of his (did I mention that I don't like many Michael likes... well the same is true in Raj's case as well!) of being responsible for the situation. Whatever the reason it was flimsy and the lie was unnecessary. When I found out that what he told me was a lie, I could handle it. It was no big deal, just a little annoyance. However, when I told him that what I learned, he dismissed the conversation instantly. It was very clear that he gave no importance to what I said and what I was going to say.
I was hurt. And that was all that was required to drain my hope and bring down all my defenses against the frustrations. From his perspective, I am probably an annoying friend who has problems with every silly things. But from my view point,it is far more complicated. I did not know whether I should pretend as if I was the guy he sees and act normal or to let go of feelings. I decided to do the former and ended up doing the latter.
Unfortunately, this I know is certainly not the last episode in this story.
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Four years and I'm still waiting for the next episode.
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